My Refuge and my Strength

God is my refuge and God is my strength and very present help in trouble. Therefore I will not fear though the earth be removed and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.

Trust the Lord with this test. And this wedding in 3 months. And this marriage. It’s all in His hands; I can have Perfect Peace because my mind is stayed on Him and it’s all in His hands. ❤ Thank you Jesus

Lately, i’ve been feeling like my life is a whirlwind. I’m trying to prepare for my certification exam, and prepare for a wedding in 95 days. SO Much to do. I keep having to back out of commitments. I feel terrible, and then feel like I should be able to do everything if I just managed my time better. Honestly, maybe it’s just cause I’m tired, or because of all the illness and injuries that held me back… but I have been feeling defeated, like “I can’t!”.

But God has brought me to these things. I am blessed beyond measure… and He will give me the strength and tools I need to conquer this tests, and prepare a wedding. Help me, Lord to trust you with these things and to offer them to you, with open arms. I am yours. I know you are faithful.

It’s 95 days until my best friend and I are husband and wife. It’s been a time of transition for us, and we transition from long distance, boyfriend and girlfriend, to close proximity husband and wife. I think that we have realized that we have communication issues are an issue for us just recently because we are just private people (especially me). And we really have gotten to know eachother because of living in close proximity, and this is especially an issue for me. I was in a previous serious relationship where I shared my heart with someone, positive and negative, and then he dumped me. I don’t open up easily, and I decided if I ever was in another relationship, I would not share anything negative. I prefer not to talk sometimes, and that hurts my fiancé. Sometimes I share more with my mom and I think that upsets him because he wants to be the first one I go to. It’s so hard for me to share my full heart, even though I trust him. I don’t quite know why. When I am upset, I sometimes bottle things up and retreat and then share with my mom.

He talked about it w/ me tonight because we had an episode that upset him where I had a stressful day, he could tell, but I didn’t want to share, that he is concerned how this type of issue will impact our marriage and we need to be working on it, because we want a strong marriage. This will be hard since I don’t share easily and I spent the first part of the relationship deliberately doing the opposite, but we are committed to working on this. What was sweet, is I told him about the relationship with my exboyfriend and how it hurt my ability to be open since I was open and was rejected and already had a hard time sharing my heart, and he held my hand and told me that he is marrying me because he loves me and wants to know the whole me; the good and the bad, and to be a part of every part of my life; and it’s vital if we want to have a growing, viable, solid marriage. I guess since we were in a distance relationship, it was easy for us to not work on issues, but now they are in front of our faces… but we want to work on them because we love each other.  We have so much to learn. Being so open scares me and is not natural to me, yet I love and trust him.

We have so much joy about committing our lives to each other before the Lord… Our marriage is for the Lord. I’m trusting Him to make my story and our marriage beautiful and purposeful.

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus”

Collosians 3… lots of thoughts to reflect on later… :)

Colossians 3 The Message (MSG)

He Is Your Life

1-2 So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things fromhis perspective.
3-4 Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you’ll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
5-8 And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It’s because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn’t long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
9-11 Don’t lie to one another. You’re done with that old life. It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
15-17 Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

Mom… and transition

I really think the whole little Lizzie girl becoming a grown married independent woman thing is gonna be an adjustment for my mom and for me… i overheard her talking on the phone to someone telling her how she is going to really have to readjust to me moving out and how she is sad since i was her constant companion especially since i was in a distance relationship and it’s hard that now i’m Richie’s companion more of the time, and hard when we go out a lot of nights with him and she is alone :(. And how she’s gonna feel empty after the wedding. And how she’s already trying to adjust to the thought of me being his husband by thinking “The Reihl’s are going out” when we go out at nights… without Mamma Wendy. I guess my mom and I have always been best friends (although we’ve had very weird controlling abusive rough patches, but we still love each other tremendously) and done stuff together all the time and i’m a homebody, plus she is kinda controlling and now it’s like i’m not around all the time and soon will move out. In some ways I was raised like an only child since my sister has a disability and I have a doting yet controlling mother. I was homeschooled, sheltered, and never lived on my own for more than a few months… Maybe that’s part of what the tension with us lately is about… maybe she is a scared… of losing her little (24 year old) girl? I guess maybe that seems imminent at this point.  last week before the injury was very tense in terms of extra controllingness and I wonder if this contributed. I love my mommy. I am attached to her too, and I think we are a bit codependent, and I think that Richie isn’t thrilled about that codependence piece since he wants to be the closest to me and be the one whose shoulder I cry on and who I tell my secrets too. He wants to be my everything and my one and only and number one. And I’ve told him that he is the most important person in my life now. My husband in 103 days. This is a real (Reihl 🙂 ) shift for my mom because that was her for so long, and now Richie is my closest friend and confidant. I am blessed to have my mom, but I hope we can develop a healthy, adult relationship…

Galatians 6

Galatians 6:
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Not Circumcision but the New Creation
11 See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand!
12 Those who want to impress people by means of the flesh are trying to compel you to be circumcised. The only reason they do this is to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ. 13 Not even those who are circumcised keep the law, yet they want you to be circumcised that they may boast about your circumcision in the flesh. 14 May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which[a] the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. 15 Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation. 16 Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule—to[b] the Israel of God.
17 From now on, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.
18 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen.

I felt recently like the Lord was putting on my heart to be still and trust Him. I didn’t have a new years resolution this year except to fall more in love with Jesus and journal more so that I can document my thoughts… My prayer at the beginning of the year for 2015 to know Jesus more and seek the things of the world less and Him more. For Him to bend my will to Him and my thoughts to His. To become more like Christ and to become better friends with Him. It’s been quite a year so far, but maybe in some way, this is the answer to my prayer of 2015. I think I was falling into a “Betty Crocker cake mix Christianity” place, which isn’t a good place to be. The Betty Crocker Christianity is where you are a follower of Christ and love the Lord, but are so busy it turns into something that is more like a recipe than a relationship. When you don’t have much time, but you do certain things and wholla! You are living something you can call a Christian life. It becomes more like a check on a checklist instead of relationship. It’s so easy to fall into the Betty Croker version of what should so much more authentic and holistic. Sometimes it takes a valley or something that rocks your world a bit to realize that it’s about so much more than just reading some scripture daily or doing other Christian things, but about surrender of a whole life; placing total trust in his promises and truth and about walking hand in hand through life with Jesus. It seems like bad timing trying to plan a wedding, pass a certification test, and do tons of babysitting jobs (which I quit for now, and with the flu and then this, those families who loved me a few weeks ago probably think I’m flaky and unreliable lol). But maybe this is the Lord telling me, “Lizzie… be still and seek my heart. I’m jealous for you. I want to be your everything.
because I told you to. I want to be your whole life. I made you and and love you and have plans for you. It’s not about a body size or exercise or a to do list, but it’s about living a life of surrender and worship. Let my joy be your strength. I am… you cannot hide, I am, you cannot hide”

gym. struggle

So… this is me yesterday. I think this episode has really struck me how addicted I am to exercise. I don’t have time to go into details right now, but old demons have been creeping up in my head to restrict. I just need to remember that i can’t. I need energy to study. I worked so hard on recovery to secumb just to get a smaller body. Lord help give me strength to see that…
I realize that I base so much of my hope and worth and peace and stability on the foundation that I create for myself, and with these stress fractures, the flu, and now my ankle sprain, the fact that these are so very flimsy has been thrown into my face. For so long it was my food; my weight. And exercise. I have so many memories of doing anything possible to get a workout in (thankfully i’m far from that place). Addicts will go to any length to get a workout in. I would run up and down stairwells at school in between classes (I found a private one at the community college that I went to that was easily accessible), I’ve worked out in bathrooms on days when it’s hard to get to a gym, I’ve gotten up to run before anyone wakes up, exercised with a holter monitor at a time when i was having heart arrythmias, exercised to the point where i didn’t have my period for years (and decreased my bone density because of this)… and while i’m far from that place… i still have parts of the addict in me… now I found a way to exercise on crutches using stationary bike and non weight bearing strength training exercises.

This is not healthy- i KNOW!!! the sad thing is I can’t imagine stopping. I have been scared that maybe someday i’ll have too, like what if I got pregnant and needed to go on bed rest?? or God forbid got a worse injury that prevented exercise for a while. What would I do?? I posted on an online group about this and the ladies suggested I take a break from exercise. I honestly feel like a depressed, different, mean person who cannot do life without exercise, and I don’t want to put those I love through living with that Liz. I honestly don’t know what to do.

It’s been a particularly difficult week for me. I have been dealing with this, but at the same time, I got the flu, and lost a few lbs. I honestly hate how much I weigh (though I try to surrender the number and my body size to the Lord), but getting to that weight and feeling slightly more comfortable in my skin wet my appetite for more! To lose a few more lbs, and eat less. It’s been surprisingly hard to eat substantially this past week, and the demons have been loud. At the same time, I have the rational side of me that KNOWS that is not a good path.

I AM MORE THAN A BODY. I AM A CHILD OF THE LORD. I have so many goals beyond being a beautiful body. I want to serve the Lord. Be involved in other people’s lives and giving of myself; I want to be a present and loving and fun wife; I want to be a mother in a few years.

It’s been a rough week. Lord. The foundation that I build for myself is so obviously flimsy. Lord, be my solid rock… Help me to see the truth and see so clearly what I’m living for. In the name of Jesus, make the demons go away so I can see clearly. Make the enemies in my mind go away so I can really live for you… Help me to take care of my body and surrender it and not live in vanity… I’m scared… when i’m faithless YOU are faithful. YOU ARE FOR ME! I KNOW THAT YOU ARE FOR ME and THAT YOU WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME! Nothing is too difficult for thee! You, Lord have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Thank you Lord for what you have done and will do…

Kari Jobe: You Are For Me

So as you know i was dealing w/ stress fractures for a while and then in a humpty-dumpty like manner kept seeming to start running too soon and get slightly re-injured and then go back to low impact. I did cut back to low impact again a few weeks ago, then I got the flu last week so I didn’t workout much for a bit and was feeling better w/ my feet and legs. So I decided to run 2 miles today on the treadmill. Easy workout. Well, i twisted my ankle, and couldn’t bear weight on it, so i went to the ER and thankfully it’s not broken, but it’s a pretty bad sprain and i am on crutches now… and kind of home bound for a while i guess. I don’t want to complain, but as a routine oriented person who has alot to do right now, this is just a lot to take… Plus i need working out to feel in control and calm and like i can do life!! I guess there isn’t much i can do if it hurts to just find a comfortable position right now. frown emoticon I hate to say this, but it’s very triggering to think of not working out for a while… like i really want to restrict. I really don’t want to blow up. I want to feel like i have some control. I just had a plain salad for dinner w/ a bit of dressing. I feel like i can’t be an inactive bum and eat normally. Hopefully this sprain won’t be a long injury, but I just can’t bear the thought of not working out for a bit! Especially after barely working out for over a week due to the flu.