“The fear of human opinion disables. Trusting in God protects you from that.”
– Prov. 29:25 (MSG)
Sometimes I have this sense that others don’t like me. For my whole life, I feel like while I’ve typically been the type to have a few friends, and love one on one interaction, I tend not to fit in with others in groups. This has been pervasive throughout my life in different jobs and circles I’ve been in. I never quite get why. I’m introverted and definitely outside the box. I really am not into the things most people are. I could care less about pop culture. I hate parties (the typical kind). I’m not into much secular or tv shows or that sort of thing. Maybe others see me as odd? or Boring? I’ve never been 100% sure, but wherever I go, people tend to flock into groups, and I’m an outsider. That’s just me.
I’m usually ok with how I was designed, but I guess at different periods of my life I’ve wondered; why don’t I fit in? I must be a loser or something! I remember first wondering that as a 14 year old girl when I started to struggle with body image issues. Everything sort of compounded at the same time and I started to wonder why I didn’t fit in with many people. I started to assume that the people who were my friends just pretended to be my friends as they felt bad for me because I was such a loser. I pulled away from them. I then retreated into my eating disorder and stayed there for about 6 years. I am now mostly recovered from that, and mostly accept myself, but sometimes I still have that little sting in my heart that wonders, “why don’t I fit in? Why am I different? Maybe people don’t like me?” And even though I am mostly ok with who I am, there is a part of me that is a people pleaser that wants everyone to like me. I like to hide that part of me from others and pretend it’s not there… but deep down it is.
The Lord then whispers into my ear, “Lizzie; I’ve created you this way for a purpose; I have great plans for you as you are!! Your purpose in life is not to try to please others and gain others approval, but to spend your life touching others who I place in your life with my love; not to gain the approval of others; but to gain my approval. Because of how I made you, there are people only you can show my love to and I have and will continue to place them in your life as your look to me.”
I want to live my life serving others who the Lord places in my life… not simply looking for the approval of others or to fit in. I want to stop living my life to try to gain pleasure or caring about what others think of my, but I want to live in complete trust in my Lord, hand in hand with Him.
Ok… The Lord has brought me to a place where I mostly eat healthy foods when i’m hungry and then don’t focus on it… yet there is this one food that is sometimes an issue for me. The freaking bleeping amazing food is peanut butter. That food and I have quite a relationship. It’s delicious, freakilicious, delectable. Words can’t describe. I don’t know why I am having trouble knowing whether I should give it up. Clearly I love it and it’s more to me than just a food. Sometimes I spend days just wanting a few spoonfuls of the substance. I am able to eat it and then stop… so I justify; is it a problem? I’m not sure. I gave it up for a few weeks, but I always have an excuse to pick it back up again; like last week when I was tired; or this week since I’m sick. I think I need to give it to the Lord, because it’s not just the peanut butter, but it’s that I feel like a fat gross blimp when I eat it, and can’t control my portion size well. That isn’t healthy. I’m gonna pray about this one that the Lord can help me with my PB intake and let me know if I need to reduce it or cut it out completely…