It’s hard sometimes to trust in God’s timing and to be grateful for the gifts that He has give me right now. It’s so easy to worry about what might happen in the future. I spend much time doing this. And then I resent where I am and look to other people’s gifts and wish I was bestowed those gifts instead of the ones that I’ve been given.
This morning I felt emotional about things. Not only have I been feeling stressed about our move in a few weeks, and the new job I’m starting, but I would love to get pregnant soon. I know, probably a lot going on, but it’s such a desire of my heart and I have been praying for a child in God’s timing (although I’d prefer it to happen relatively sooner than later). I realized that what I thought was ovulation was really a fluke. I did not ovulate and seem to be having my first anovulatory cycle in years. My body seems to have geared up well, but it never happened. My first reaction was anger at my body, “my body is betraying me”. I worked hard to get my cycles back years ago after my eating disorder and I seek to have balance in my life with one of my goals being to maintain as much fertility as I can. I am very into healthy and natural living and have developed a penchant for crunchy mamma stuff and have started reading piles of “preconception” literature. And then my ovaries have the nerve to betray me right when we’d like to start trying for a baby. It’s like my hands are clutched so tightly around that; the thing I’ve wanted more than anything in my life- to be a mother and have a happy family. It’s easy to feel sad especially when I see so many others around me becoming mothers. Today I called out to God, “Lord, do you think they’d be better mothers than me?” It seems to come so easily to them. We’ve not used protection for a few cycles and nothing has happened and now on my fourth cycle I didn’t even ovulate.
I could pretend it’s not a huge issue, but for me it’s very much an emotional issue. I try to re-surrender to God, but it’s difficult. This morning, I went to my special place to cry out to the Lord about all of this and my hurt and worry, and I seemed to get a sense of this. I seemed to get a reassurance that I will be a mother, but I need to be grateful for the things He has done for me already, and not focus on the blessings that others have. I so often just look lustfully at the blessings of others and fail to look at what God has already done for me. I tend to complain about the very things He has gifted me with. Like a career. Like getting through grad school. I believe I need to release my grip on my mommy hood dream. Maybe God is canceling this cycle to get my attention. It’s still quite hard seeing all the pregnant women and babies around me. Very hard.
God wants me to live more by this. I pray I can.