I am an extremely anxious person. So often I feel like I just jump from thing to thing to be anxious about. I always assume worst case scenarios. I just want to be able to place everything in the hands of the Lord and trust everything will be ok.
Some of these things include the job I’m starting soon, and starting a family. I’m worried about moving and sad about leaving our little town that has been our first precious home; where we’ve gone through ups and downs together and have formed memories. So many unknowns. I feel so inept at things. Oh, Lord, I am your servant in all of these things.Without You I can do nothing.
Sometimes I read through preconception book after preconception book. I fluctuate between worrying about infertility and the horrible thought of never having child, which is a possibility given my condition. The sheer longing to conceive and raise a child. And the scary what if thoughts about pregnancy such as “What if I have a miscarriage”, “what if something goes wrong or I do something to cause something to go wrong inadvertently”, “what if my child has a disability and I didn’t do enough to prevent it”. Is this the right time? My mind goes crazy. But then I have to realize I have to place it back in God’s hands and pray that we will have a child when we are supposed to have a child. And I will know that it was so meant to be and there is so much purpose for the life of that child.
This month my ovulation is delayed. Maybe it’s the stress lately. I have symptoms that it may have happened around today (I dried up and have cramping right now; imagine if I conceived today even as I wrote this and prayed for the child), so I’m hopeful that I will confirm it in the next few days. As much as I’d love to get pregnant and have a spring baby, I am scared that I’d miscarry due to the stress from new job. It’s truly all in God’s hands and I leave it there and if God wants to give us a child, I pray He does in His perfect timing and that I will be a good mother to the children He gives us.
On another note, sometimes I get upset that I feel like I have more of a strong desire to walk with God than Richie and to seek with my whole heart. We are both not in the best places, but I believe that if I seek I shall find, and he feels like it will find us if it’s meant to be. My spiritual beliefs and relationship with Christ (although it’s not where it’s supposed to be), are of utmost importance to me, so I long to have a husband who is a spiritual leader in this way. I would love to worship together; have deep prayers together. I sometimes feel like I’m pulling a wagon uphill in wanting to have the conservative Christian values and relationship with Christ that I feel I need to have, and he always counters that. It hurts my heart that i feel he makes it harder to live with the ideals that make me feel like I am doing the right thing.
Anyhow, enough thoughts. Going to meet a friend. Take it all Lord, my anxieties about all of this; my Whole Life; my Whole LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS.