Good Good Father; Doubts

Well I’ve heard a thousand stories of what I think you’re like… but i’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night when you tell me that you’re pleased and that I’m never alone, You’re a Good Good Father; It’s who you are, and I’m loved by you, it’s who I am… it’s who I am…

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To the one who’s dreams are falling all apart
And all you’re left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you’re not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong He’ll never let you go
oh you’re not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
‘Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He’s calling you home
You will never be alone

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I don’t even know where to begin. Lately it’s been an odd time for me relationally and spiritually.

Lately, the more I separate from my mom in my recovery, scary questions have come to my mind as to if it’s all real; if it is, do I really believe; do I really have a relationship with Jesus? Sometimes, is it just wanting to seem like a good Christian because i’ve put value in that role, but i’m missing the essence? The question has come into my mind; am I a TRUE Christian, or could I be missing the essence? Is this Christian stuff that I’ve been surrounded by my whole life the truth, or could it all be indoctrination. Is Jesus really really Lord of my life? What if it was all fake. These questions come into my mind, and scare me. I’m at a place of questioning, of trying to empty myself of the shackles of organized religion and rituals and seek truth. Is the Bible even true? What if people just use their imaginations to imagine a relationship with Jesus, to make themselves feel better, but it’s not really true. I am trying to seek if the Bible is true, and if so, I then know I can really use it to seek God and get to know Him better; if it’s truly the inspired Word.

It’s a scary place to be. I never questioned these things before, but now, at a place where things are changing in my life, and i’m being faced with dealing with this question…

If it’s all real, which I like to believe (because the idea of it all makes me feel safe, and the idea of it not being real makes me feel very scared and empty), then I want to live it with my WHOLE heart and seek it with my whole heart. I want to know the fatherlike Love of Christ that I’ve heard people speak ok; the Jesus so full of grace, who holds them tight on His lap, even in their sin, as a daddy holds a precious child. I feel so far from Him. I felt like I knew Him at one point. I thought He was the one set me free from the prison of my eating disorder; the one who summoned me by name; healed my body in various ways; yet now i’m questioning if it is positive thinking. If it’s all real, why would he make himself so distant? Wouldn’t he make himself so clear? Do I just like all of this because it feels safe and like what I know- because it feels to scary to question? Maybe all the Christian stuff feels safe not because it’s true but because i’ve been so trained to think of these things when i’m anxious- sort of like positive thought or meditation. Do I love Christian music because I’ve grown up with it and I like how it sounds, or because i love to worship God? Do I just feel safe with Christian culture? Or do I like the image of being a good Christian since that was always taught to me as the thing that was really important; because it sounds so awesome I Want it to be true; but wonder if it really is?  If it really really really was true, the whole salvation thing, what a beautiful thing that would be. The grace of Jesus that I’ve heard about for my whole life, almost seems to outrageously good to be true, when I really think about it. I really do not feel like I have that assurance, that Jesus is mine… but maybe this is just the enemy like a roaring lion happily looking to devour me and my cherished, but perhaps flimsy faith. Then a voice in my head says; don’t question things; you’ll shame your parents and go to hell.

I feel like even with all of the struggles in our marriage, we’ve had times of beautiful intimacy. As weird as it sounds, sex has taught me about spiritual things and made me want to seek more- God made it and there are some undeniable connections- it is beautiful and spiritual. I there is alot about it that has made me want to seek deeper intimacy with God. Feeling that close, oneness feeling with my husband that sometimes brings me to tears, has made me think “imagine if i could feel this kind of closeness with my God”. Also the complexities of it makes me think of my relationship with God. For a long time, sexy things were fun and felt good, but I never reached orgasm. One day, we did things a bit differently and i did. I realized how I didn’t realize i was missing something so good. Somehow that reminds me of my relationship with God, how you are constantly growing in that relationship; and i might think i’m saved, but am missing out on so many amazing dimensions of that.

So that’s where I’m at. I lay in my bed the other night at 1 am, crying; feeling alone and empty after a hard week of my mom where I have been working hard to separate. I think God is trying to draw me back to Him in this time, and hopefully tell me that He has summoned me by name and called me; I am His. I just feel dark and empty when i do not seek Him; and when i look to Him even in my doubts I feel a rest in my heart and a safety that this is what is good and right and the direction I need to look (yet maybe it feels safe to me because its what I grew up being told).

I do not want to let the enemy get a stronghold in my life, and even in the doubts, still I will seek truth; and I will seek with my WHOLE being. I want to know that my faith is not just indoctrination or words on a page; but that it is so true. I want to know that God is my daddy, and how intimate that relationship might be… Even though I feel far from Him and am doubting things; I do know that when I turn towards Christ I feel safe and peace; and when I turn away my heart feels turmoil. I hope I can feel full confidence in truth; and know that daddy-like love of God. I need that so much… a hug from Him. I pray i not only get assurance, but a hug.

Well I’ve heard a thousand stories of what I think you’re like… but i’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night when you tell me that you’re pleased and that I’m never alone, You’re a Good Good Father

-this is what I want to know so surely in my heart… imagine if i could have true assurance of His grace that is mine and no one else’s and that those beautiful things that seem outrageous are really truth. That I can hear His tender whispers that He is pleased with sinful me, and that I am never, ever alone. Is it possible to know this? If it is, I pray in my unbelief, that He will help me to see it and know it. ❤

 

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