Galatians 6

Galatians 6:
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Not Circumcision but the New Creation
11 See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand!
12 Those who want to impress people by means of the flesh are trying to compel you to be circumcised. The only reason they do this is to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ. 13 Not even those who are circumcised keep the law, yet they want you to be circumcised that they may boast about your circumcision in the flesh. 14 May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which[a] the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. 15 Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation. 16 Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule—to[b] the Israel of God.
17 From now on, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.
18 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen.

I felt recently like the Lord was putting on my heart to be still and trust Him. I didn’t have a new years resolution this year except to fall more in love with Jesus and journal more so that I can document my thoughts… My prayer at the beginning of the year for 2015 to know Jesus more and seek the things of the world less and Him more. For Him to bend my will to Him and my thoughts to His. To become more like Christ and to become better friends with Him. It’s been quite a year so far, but maybe in some way, this is the answer to my prayer of 2015. I think I was falling into a “Betty Crocker cake mix Christianity” place, which isn’t a good place to be. The Betty Crocker Christianity is where you are a follower of Christ and love the Lord, but are so busy it turns into something that is more like a recipe than a relationship. When you don’t have much time, but you do certain things and wholla! You are living something you can call a Christian life. It becomes more like a check on a checklist instead of relationship. It’s so easy to fall into the Betty Croker version of what should so much more authentic and holistic. Sometimes it takes a valley or something that rocks your world a bit to realize that it’s about so much more than just reading some scripture daily or doing other Christian things, but about surrender of a whole life; placing total trust in his promises and truth and about walking hand in hand through life with Jesus. It seems like bad timing trying to plan a wedding, pass a certification test, and do tons of babysitting jobs (which I quit for now, and with the flu and then this, those families who loved me a few weeks ago probably think I’m flaky and unreliable lol). But maybe this is the Lord telling me, “Lizzie… be still and seek my heart. I’m jealous for you. I want to be your everything.
because I told you to. I want to be your whole life. I made you and and love you and have plans for you. It’s not about a body size or exercise or a to do list, but it’s about living a life of surrender and worship. Let my joy be your strength. I am… you cannot hide, I am, you cannot hide”
 
 

gym. struggle

So… this is me yesterday. I think this episode has really struck me how addicted I am to exercise. I don’t have time to go into details right now, but old demons have been creeping up in my head to restrict. I just need to remember that i can’t. I need energy to study. I worked so hard on recovery to secumb just to get a smaller body. Lord help give me strength to see that…
I realize that I base so much of my hope and worth and peace and stability on the foundation that I create for myself, and with these stress fractures, the flu, and now my ankle sprain, the fact that these are so very flimsy has been thrown into my face. For so long it was my food; my weight. And exercise. I have so many memories of doing anything possible to get a workout in (thankfully i’m far from that place). Addicts will go to any length to get a workout in. I would run up and down stairwells at school in between classes (I found a private one at the community college that I went to that was easily accessible), I’ve worked out in bathrooms on days when it’s hard to get to a gym, I’ve gotten up to run before anyone wakes up, exercised with a holter monitor at a time when i was having heart arrythmias, exercised to the point where i didn’t have my period for years (and decreased my bone density because of this)… and while i’m far from that place… i still have parts of the addict in me… now I found a way to exercise on crutches using stationary bike and non weight bearing strength training exercises.

This is not healthy- i KNOW!!! the sad thing is I can’t imagine stopping. I have been scared that maybe someday i’ll have too, like what if I got pregnant and needed to go on bed rest?? or God forbid got a worse injury that prevented exercise for a while. What would I do?? I posted on an online group about this and the ladies suggested I take a break from exercise. I honestly feel like a depressed, different, mean person who cannot do life without exercise, and I don’t want to put those I love through living with that Liz. I honestly don’t know what to do.

It’s been a particularly difficult week for me. I have been dealing with this, but at the same time, I got the flu, and lost a few lbs. I honestly hate how much I weigh (though I try to surrender the number and my body size to the Lord), but getting to that weight and feeling slightly more comfortable in my skin wet my appetite for more! To lose a few more lbs, and eat less. It’s been surprisingly hard to eat substantially this past week, and the demons have been loud. At the same time, I have the rational side of me that KNOWS that is not a good path.

I AM MORE THAN A BODY. I AM A CHILD OF THE LORD. I have so many goals beyond being a beautiful body. I want to serve the Lord. Be involved in other people’s lives and giving of myself; I want to be a present and loving and fun wife; I want to be a mother in a few years.

It’s been a rough week. Lord. The foundation that I build for myself is so obviously flimsy. Lord, be my solid rock… Help me to see the truth and see so clearly what I’m living for. In the name of Jesus, make the demons go away so I can see clearly. Make the enemies in my mind go away so I can really live for you… Help me to take care of my body and surrender it and not live in vanity… I’m scared… when i’m faithless YOU are faithful. YOU ARE FOR ME! I KNOW THAT YOU ARE FOR ME and THAT YOU WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME! Nothing is too difficult for thee! You, Lord have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Thank you Lord for what you have done and will do…

Kari Jobe: You Are For Me

So as you know i was dealing w/ stress fractures for a while and then in a humpty-dumpty like manner kept seeming to start running too soon and get slightly re-injured and then go back to low impact. I did cut back to low impact again a few weeks ago, then I got the flu last week so I didn’t workout much for a bit and was feeling better w/ my feet and legs. So I decided to run 2 miles today on the treadmill. Easy workout. Well, i twisted my ankle, and couldn’t bear weight on it, so i went to the ER and thankfully it’s not broken, but it’s a pretty bad sprain and i am on crutches now… and kind of home bound for a while i guess. I don’t want to complain, but as a routine oriented person who has alot to do right now, this is just a lot to take… Plus i need working out to feel in control and calm and like i can do life!! I guess there isn’t much i can do if it hurts to just find a comfortable position right now. frown emoticon I hate to say this, but it’s very triggering to think of not working out for a while… like i really want to restrict. I really don’t want to blow up. I want to feel like i have some control. I just had a plain salad for dinner w/ a bit of dressing. I feel like i can’t be an inactive bum and eat normally. Hopefully this sprain won’t be a long injury, but I just can’t bear the thought of not working out for a bit! Especially after barely working out for over a week due to the flu.

 

mom/ food

Lord, help me to really surrender how I’m feeling to you. It’s clouded in emotions. I have so much to do today, I just need to really focus on being productive today and not in how I feel in the moment.
I guess she still has this tendency to control what I eat and my body. I have been sick with the flu lately, so I’ve been eating differently than usual including lots of fruit since that is what I’ve been craving. She made this comment yesterday that was so typical, “do you want to get FAT?!” She just kept going on about how I’m going to get so fat and if I eat certain foods I’ll go back into my eating disorder and lose everything. And my stomach looks as round as a ball. And to look in the mirror, “are you happy with what you see?? Well, you’ll get REALLY fat if you eat fruit!”. I just hate hate hate how she has so much control over me and my food. I don’t know what I want for my food a lot of the time and what are mom made rules. She is so controlling and sometimes almost sides with ED. I want to know what I want. I think that her extremeness and her comments about my body and what I should eat regardless of our history is extremely uncalled for. Then I think about what I am eating and what I should eat, and feel silly for dwelling on this. No food is not inherently good or bad, moral or immoral, yet my underlying conviction is to eat healthy, but so that food is as much in the background as possible and then not focus on it; complete surrender of my food. It should not be fantasized about or enjoyed beyond that it fills me up and nourishes me. So therefore, I don’t think I need fruit or starches given my PCOS. The whole situation though of my mom having this control over my life is frustrating.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyhow… just gotta surrender this for now so I can focus… Lord help me to live in the joy and productivity of the Lord today…