So… this is me yesterday. I think this episode has really struck me how addicted I am to exercise. I don’t have time to go into details right now, but old demons have been creeping up in my head to restrict. I just need to remember that i can’t. I need energy to study. I worked so hard on recovery to secumb just to get a smaller body. Lord help give me strength to see that…
I realize that I base so much of my hope and worth and peace and stability on the foundation that I create for myself, and with these stress fractures, the flu, and now my ankle sprain, the fact that these are so very flimsy has been thrown into my face. For so long it was my food; my weight. And exercise. I have so many memories of doing anything possible to get a workout in (thankfully i’m far from that place). Addicts will go to any length to get a workout in. I would run up and down stairwells at school in between classes (I found a private one at the community college that I went to that was easily accessible), I’ve worked out in bathrooms on days when it’s hard to get to a gym, I’ve gotten up to run before anyone wakes up, exercised with a holter monitor at a time when i was having heart arrythmias, exercised to the point where i didn’t have my period for years (and decreased my bone density because of this)… and while i’m far from that place… i still have parts of the addict in me… now I found a way to exercise on crutches using stationary bike and non weight bearing strength training exercises.
This is not healthy- i KNOW!!! the sad thing is I can’t imagine stopping. I have been scared that maybe someday i’ll have too, like what if I got pregnant and needed to go on bed rest?? or God forbid got a worse injury that prevented exercise for a while. What would I do?? I posted on an online group about this and the ladies suggested I take a break from exercise. I honestly feel like a depressed, different, mean person who cannot do life without exercise, and I don’t want to put those I love through living with that Liz. I honestly don’t know what to do.
It’s been a particularly difficult week for me. I have been dealing with this, but at the same time, I got the flu, and lost a few lbs. I honestly hate how much I weigh (though I try to surrender the number and my body size to the Lord), but getting to that weight and feeling slightly more comfortable in my skin wet my appetite for more! To lose a few more lbs, and eat less. It’s been surprisingly hard to eat substantially this past week, and the demons have been loud. At the same time, I have the rational side of me that KNOWS that is not a good path.
I AM MORE THAN A BODY. I AM A CHILD OF THE LORD. I have so many goals beyond being a beautiful body. I want to serve the Lord. Be involved in other people’s lives and giving of myself; I want to be a present and loving and fun wife; I want to be a mother in a few years.
It’s been a rough week. Lord. The foundation that I build for myself is so obviously flimsy. Lord, be my solid rock… Help me to see the truth and see so clearly what I’m living for. In the name of Jesus, make the demons go away so I can see clearly. Make the enemies in my mind go away so I can really live for you… Help me to take care of my body and surrender it and not live in vanity… I’m scared… when i’m faithless YOU are faithful. YOU ARE FOR ME! I KNOW THAT YOU ARE FOR ME and THAT YOU WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME! Nothing is too difficult for thee! You, Lord have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Thank you Lord for what you have done and will do…
So as you know i was dealing w/ stress fractures for a while and then in a humpty-dumpty like manner kept seeming to start running too soon and get slightly re-injured and then go back to low impact. I did cut back to low impact again a few weeks ago, then I got the flu last week so I didn’t workout much for a bit and was feeling better w/ my feet and legs. So I decided to run 2 miles today on the treadmill. Easy workout. Well, i twisted my ankle, and couldn’t bear weight on it, so i went to the ER and thankfully it’s not broken, but it’s a pretty bad sprain and i am on crutches now… and kind of home bound for a while i guess. I don’t want to complain, but as a routine oriented person who has alot to do right now, this is just a lot to take… Plus i need working out to feel in control and calm and like i can do life!! I guess there isn’t much i can do if it hurts to just find a comfortable position right now. frown emoticon I hate to say this, but it’s very triggering to think of not working out for a while… like i really want to restrict. I really don’t want to blow up. I want to feel like i have some control. I just had a plain salad for dinner w/ a bit of dressing. I feel like i can’t be an inactive bum and eat normally. Hopefully this sprain won’t be a long injury, but I just can’t bear the thought of not working out for a bit! Especially after barely working out for over a week due to the flu.