mom/ food

Lord, help me to really surrender how I’m feeling to you. It’s clouded in emotions. I have so much to do today, I just need to really focus on being productive today and not in how I feel in the moment.
I guess she still has this tendency to control what I eat and my body. I have been sick with the flu lately, so I’ve been eating differently than usual including lots of fruit since that is what I’ve been craving. She made this comment yesterday that was so typical, “do you want to get FAT?!” She just kept going on about how I’m going to get so fat and if I eat certain foods I’ll go back into my eating disorder and lose everything. And my stomach looks as round as a ball. And to look in the mirror, “are you happy with what you see?? Well, you’ll get REALLY fat if you eat fruit!”. I just hate hate hate how she has so much control over me and my food. I don’t know what I want for my food a lot of the time and what are mom made rules. She is so controlling and sometimes almost sides with ED. I want to know what I want. I think that her extremeness and her comments about my body and what I should eat regardless of our history is extremely uncalled for. Then I think about what I am eating and what I should eat, and feel silly for dwelling on this. No food is not inherently good or bad, moral or immoral, yet my underlying conviction is to eat healthy, but so that food is as much in the background as possible and then not focus on it; complete surrender of my food. It should not be fantasized about or enjoyed beyond that it fills me up and nourishes me. So therefore, I don’t think I need fruit or starches given my PCOS. The whole situation though of my mom having this control over my life is frustrating.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyhow… just gotta surrender this for now so I can focus… Lord help me to live in the joy and productivity of the Lord today…