So, I’ve been thinking lots about having children lately. As I’ve written before, for a long time, I’ve felt like I had a certain idolatry sort of longing. Things with our marriage weren’t great, but it’s all I’d think about, and cry about daily; worry about issues relating to that; research fertility and babies; and be jealous of those who were in that position. Truly, it made no sense logistically and with the difficulties we were having at that time in our marriage, so I’d surrender it to the Lord. My husband also worried that I wanted him just for babies, and that I’d love them more than him, which made sense given the somewhat tumultuous transition that was our first year of marriage.
Well, Praise God, my husband and I have been doing lots of work on getting our marriage strong. We’ve gone to marriage counseling, and have been working on communication, putting each other first, and really blessing each other. Though there are still lots of transitions in our life, I can say we are at a point, where we just enjoy eachother, and feel very in love, and can talk about anything. I never thought we’d get here, and I’m grateful. I used to wonder if the almost visceral urge to have children was just a passing bout of baby fever, or if I was using it to distract myself from our marital issues, but as we work on our marriage, the urge almost gets stronger. I cannot explain how I feel like I have the most intense love for these people I haven’t met yet. The thought of having a baby is scary, but it drives me; drives me to want to be better so I can better nurture these precious lives and not hand down junk handed to me by my own mother, if God gives them to us. To clean up our lifestyles for proper preconception planning (we are microwave free; mostly organic; and I’m sugar free now with no processed food; and lots of healthy fats). It doesn’t feel like a chore, it feels like a joy. This body conscious girl, feels like she would happily gain 50 lbs if it meant having a healthy baby (and I’ve kept on extra body fat for a while because I know my body is sensitive and it keeps my periods super regular as opposed to a bit irregular if I get a bit leaner); and the holistically obsessed lady that I am feels I would gladly take medications if it resulted in a healthy bub. The thought and fear of infertility feels like a dreadful black hole.
Are we ready to open that door? For a long time, during this baby fever, I’d obsess about if we were ready or not. I’d ask on forums; look up articles with titles such as “10 Signs You are Ready For a Baby” or “Top 7 Signs You are Not Ready for a Baby”. We are planning to move and start new jobs soon. Yet, I feel like the 1 thing that is most important is something that we have; a strong marriage by God’s grace; and a willingness to work on it. And we both have a strong desire to have children and would be thrilled if God gave us one right now. I feel deep down that although I know it’s a crazy journey, and I’m scared of the sort of mother I’d might be; I’m scared of pregnancy complications; I’m scared of the unknown. I’m ready. We are ready and have peace now about opening that door. There’s nothing that seems more rewarding than growing and nurturing a precious little life that God gives to us, and there is nothing we want more in this life than a happy family.
We’ve heard things like, “you guys are young”, “you should focus on having fun together right now”. I can’t explain it, but having babies, and being a young mother, means more to me than any fancy vacation. With possible fertility issues, I also want to keep the door open as early as we can, so I will have no regrets if nothing ever happens. I have this weird feeling that life is about love, and it’s just way too short. 60 years just with my sweet husband would be too short. Yet, I’m eager to see the family God will give to us and meet the children I already love so much. I want a baby so much that I frequently cry. Honestly, I’ve never wanted something more, and if God gives us that gift, I want to cherish every single minute with my precious gift.
So yes, we are opening the door. We actually did a few weeks ago, so there is a small chance I will find out I’m pregnant in a week and a half, which I’m not expecting, but always slightly hopeful in the back of my mind (3 days post ovulation today). Trying to figure out what it truly means to leave fertility and babies in God’s hands. I tend to be one who obsesses; and likes to research things that are important to me… So of course I’ve researched fertility statistics; healthy lifestyle for pregnancy and fertility. Those are good things; right? I mean I’d want to do everything to have a healthy baby; especially naturally with the wisdom God gave to me. But obsession is so easy. Praying I can really leave it in God’s hands and be thrilled when and if He gives. Infertility has been a big fear for over 10 years because of my endocrine journey, and because of this, I’d feel that our child would be a true miracle from God even if we conceived on the first try. I’m not sure when we’ll go the medication route. I’m very holistic minded, but I’ve been told I may need medications to conceive, so maybe in some months? We both dream of adoption and embryo adoption (and interestingly have long before we met each other), so that is something we can think about too. I have to remember God knows how He will build our family, and I don’t think He’d give me such a deep desire in my heart, if it would never happen. So I need to trust Him, and remember that He knows best and if He doesn’t want us to have biological children, I shouldn’t want that either; and I’ll pray that if it’s not supposed to be; I can totally be joyful about God’s good will and plan for our family.
I will say though, that my husband dreamed last week that there were spring flowers growing out of my lady bits, and if we conceived soon, we’d be due in spring, so that’s a bit hopeful, but I still would just be in disbelief if anything happened soon (HAHAHAHA that is totally a dream). Praying that we can FULLY leave this in the Creators hand; and that He will create a life for us when and if it is the right time. (if we did happen to get pregnant at some point; I totally decided how I’d share the news 🙂 came to me a few weeks ago…)
Ah, Lord GOD! It is You who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you. Jeremiah 32:17