I’m having a hard time with my body image the past few days. My philosophy on food and my body is to eat healthy and not measure or control… but even though I’ve come so far, by God’s grace I still fall into this trap sometimes… I KNOW Life is so not about that. I don’t want to be about that. When those thoughts invade my peace, I need to turn them right back over to the Lord and declare, “I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful; I know that full well”.
Yesterday was a particularly difficult day in terms of body image. First, I was at the mall with my fiancé looking for wedding bands. We were in a jewelry store, and I really think that they purposely design the lighting in jewelry stores to be extra strong to show off the jewels. I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I hope it was that the lighting was extra strong, because I saw a woman with a beard! I decided to go about my merry day and forget about it. After we got my wedding ring, we went to the barber shop for a hair appointment for Richie. I have a pickle obsession (favorite food) and was starving, so I decided to go to the deli next door to get a hot-dog sized pickle while I waited for him to get his hair done. I came back and had a seat and after the appointment we were talking to the woman who cut his hair. We were discussing our plans to get married next month, and I think he mentioned that we didn’t want to have a really long engagement. Then the woman asked me: “Are you pregnant?” She was from another culture (i think she was Russian), and i was wearing a big coat, so even if I happened to be pregnant, it would have been hard to tell, but still, how terrible hearing those words. And really? Who asks that??? Sigh. So we went home. Then we went to a trial dancing lesson (we both were miserably awful… kinda stumbling over each others feet and then pausing and laughing… and we decided not to spend the money on the course, but rather to just try our best and have fun and if we start to trip over each other and are unsure at the wedding just make out lol). Anyhow… I decided to try to wear something sexy to make it extra special for him. I wore a little navy blue dress I got when I was about 30+ lbs lighter at age 14 (kid side i think). Well… it kinda was designed for a girl’s body i think… not a woman’s body, because it hugged me in all the wrong places. I was running out the door, so I didn’t get to properly examine myself in the mirror. At the dance studio, there were definitely plentiful mirrors, and all I could think about was the rounded belly in the mirror!! UGGGH. I felt the opposite but sexy. At least some men think pregnant is sexy, because my man got the pregnant look without the baby responsibility. =/ I went home feeling sad. I try. I haven’t weighed in a while, so I don’t know the current number, but it’s such a sensitive issue for me, I think i’d rather not know right now. I am not a number. I’m so much more…
So, I found out 3 days ago that I’m a registered occupational therapist. I’m done with school! The Lord answered my prayer and His answer was to let me pass this time. Richie and I are thrilled and were simply shocked. I had already told all of my inquiring prayer warriors that I was sincerely 99% sure I failed. And I wasn’t just saying that because i was kinda unsure but thought i passed but wanted to make people think the worst just in case I failed- i in all honestly was sure I failed. I was failing every practice test (but only by a few points each time but still). After the last 2, I sobbed like it was hopeless and someone had died or something because I was so sure that there was no way that I could possibly pass. Based on my scores (I failed 4 practice tests- every practice test I took, I failed, and with each one I got more and more upset and desperate, thinking that a fail was inevitable) I knew that it would take a miracle to pass, and wasn’t even sure if it was God’s will for me to pass then (when I’d pray about it, I’d get the sense that the Lord was reassuring me “you will pass”, but I was pretty sure that didn’t mean now… maybe after a few tries . I even did a few sessions of tutoring and asked the tutor her honest opinion and she was not sure. She said that she would have told me to reschedule the exam, if it was not for the fact that I had a wedding in less than two months.
So the test felt no better. I left crying. I drove to my fiance’s job and sat there in the car until he came out and spent the night in tears but we gave it to the Lord as we had been doing as I studying and kept being very discouraged as I’d keep taking practice tests and keep failing. I had moved on already and planned that I would start re-studying slowly as I prepared for the wedding.