Changes and thoughts…

Last night I had a dream that my brother in law who is unmarried and got a girl pregnant 2 years ago, got his current girl pregnant. In the dream I didn’t take the news well at all. Even though, in real life, I’m one to conceal my emotions as best as I can, I cried and yelled at them to their face. I told them it wasn’t fair.

Sometimes I feel like i’m surrounded with so many people from the “mommy club”. Their admission into the club was easy; sometimes unplanned. I want to be in the club. To be given the precious gift of a baby, from God. To grow it inside of me, and then to nurture that little life. There is nothing I want more in my life than to have a family. To be told it might be difficult has been one of my greatest fears over the last 10 years. I have wanted this my whole life, but lately since I’m married the dream feels more like an immediate longing; not a longing for something that is years in the future. My heart hurts at every announcement and it burns with a jealousy I can’t shake; I pray to God for Him to take it from me, and then it comes back; as much as I hate the feelings and am ashamed of them they are there and it might be more of a process of constant surrender than a one time healing.

It is so hard to see others have what I want so badly, especially if it’s unplanned or they are uninvolved parents. Shattering somehow to see them be handed so easily what I have worked and researched so hard for; dreamed of for my entire life. My husband and I have both dreamed of being parents as far back as we can remember. Some might think my feelings are silly. We’ve only been trying for a few months. Maybe it’s a gut feeling or maybe it just what I’ve been through for many years of endocrine hell. Having doctors tell me throughout the years that it would likely be hard to conceive. Seeing others with my condition have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant. The thought of infertility scares me like falling into a black hole. I know I have to surrender, but my hands hold so tightly around this one. I feel my life would be incomplete without a child.

I frighteningly wonder sometimes; what if my dream did come true. What if Adam did announce another pregnancy. Knowing his history it would not be that surprising. What if Patrick and Miranda not only had a 2nd child, but a few more before we had one (we weren’t even trying when they announced their second pregnancy, but I still longed for a baby and felt happy for them but simultaneously like someone punched me in the stomach when they shared the news that we would be aunt and uncle again. Sort of like “God, isn’t it our turn now?”- to make matters worse, i had just missed my fertile window, and so wanted a baby, but we decided it wasn’t time to try yet). What if my friends start having second and third children. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. There is something wrong with me, but a big part of me feels like, “They are living and Stole MY dream” There is something unjust about it. In general I am a gentle person, but nothing makes me resentful like seeing others live out my dream of being a young mother and knowing our journey might be long. It’s hard to have these intense emotions, and feel like it’s shameful and i can’t share it with anyone. Fertility issues are taboo. If this goes on a few more months I may go to a Resolve Infertility support group to talk to others who can relate to how I feel. I feel so emotionally alone in this. Plus I can’t share with many people, because they might not be able to understand how I feel because I’ve only been married for a year and am young.

I have actually felt like this for a long time so I feel like we have been trying for a long time. We didn’t start fully not using protection (even though we had been getting looser and looser for a while) until April or May. But I feel like I’ve been at this forever. I’ve felt this yearning all the time. Through bad and good times. We had  a rough patch in our marriage, and I wondered to myself if I were distracting myself from those issues. Honestly, I do not think so. I have felt like this at busy times, good times, bad times, less busy times. I want to be a mommy from the deepest part of my soul. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it because it’s definitely something that could be an idol in my life and has caused me to have many sinful thoughts. I feel like if God gave this to me, it would totally be His grace. Because the filth in my heart doesn’t deserve such a gift. Maybe God is using this journey to sanctify my heart.

All things beautiful in His time. ❤

 

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