Our First Home

A little bit over a year ago we moved into our first home together. Even at 25, I was scared to move out of my parent’s home. I had never really lived on my own and depended on my mom for a lot. But it was hard on our marriage to stay under my parent’s roof and it was time.

Towards the end of the summer, we began searching for a place, to little avail. It was hard to find something we liked, in a relatively safe area (that my mom agreed was in a safe enough area), in our price range. One day after work, I was searching on craigslist and found something that looked promising. A cute little red apartment in a town about 20 minutes from my parents. I felt drawn it and sent the gentleman who posted an email, and we got to look at it that night. We really liked it and didn’t want anyone else to take it before we did, so we applied asap, and we ended up signing a 1 year lease at the end of that week.

Moving into our first home together was scary and very emotional. I honestly didn’t even know if I could function apart from my mom directing aspects of my life. I remember the night in the realtor’s office signing the lease. It felt surreal and like we were opening the next chapter of our life together; like the real part of our marriage- apart from living under parent’s roof- was beginning. I wondered what it would be like.

A few days later it was moving day. It seemed quite unplanned, especially because we did not need to bring all of our stuff over right away, and we left a good deal of our items at my parents house. We only brought the essentials that night. Two of our friends came over to help us move. They borrowed one of their parents van to help us transport our stuff. They arrived in the evening. We packed our items into the van, while my mom sat in the living room and cried. We hugged my crying mother in the driveway and then drove away in separate cars. As I drove from my parents house to our new home, I thought about how this drive that seemed foreign at that point would become such a common drive. I was right… now when we drive on that road that connected my parents home and our first home, it seems very familiar and homey. Sadly we will not be driving it often anymore.

The next few weeks were filled with excitement as we made our new apartment our home. We furnished it. We decorated it. We made it our own special place. And we came to love that home. We also had the sense that we would not be there long. We didn’t buy all of our furniture. It was tiny, on a busy road, not a child friendly properly. We hope to have children soon, so we knew even if because of that we would likely move in a year or two. Our landlord was rude and constantly high, and sometimes the apartment wreaked the stench of cigarettes. This too was a bit upsetting. But even though we knew it would likely not be long term, we cherished it as if it was.

We built many memories in this home. Good and bad. Our first year of marriage was filled with many ups, and also lots of downs. I have many memories of these wonderful and terrible moments in this home. I have memories of crying together on the couch realizing we needed marriage counseling and wondering if we made a mistake and having my husband tell me that the past few months had been the worst of his life and blaming me. Memories of my husband confessing difficult things to me at the kitchen table and us brainstorming recovery options. Fight’s where I’d sleep on the couch. One night we even stayed up till 1 am not getting along and then we ended up making up and having a lovely night, and calling in sick from work the next day. Drama with my mom coming over unexpectedly our of worry. I have memories of happy times with friends and family. Lovely conversation. Hot love making. Coming home to love notes left in the living room. Learning more productive ways of communicating. Happy walks in the beautiful nature of the area. Our low key first anniversary celebration. Wonderful homemade meals cooked and eaten together. So much learning about and growth in our marriage happened there. So much personal growing up happened there. And now they are all just… memories… and a few photos.

An opportunity came to move recently (for work), and we took it. That was sad and scary too in a different way than a year ago. I know we will be fine now, but it’s saying good bye to all of those memories that is sad. Nine days ago the moving truck came and our families helped us to move to our new home, a little bit over an hour away from our first home. After getting all of our stuff out, the house looked so bare. It was a sad, weird feeling knowing we would never again be in there. Soon it would be someone else’s home. It wasn’t ours anymore. I walked around for one last time trying to take in every part of the home, even though it looked like a corpse of the home it once was. And then with tear-filled eyes, I shut the door to that chapter of our lives, and walked to the car and sobbed. It is sad when a chapter comes to an end.

Thankfully, a new happy chapter seems to have started. We have moved to an even larger apartment in an area that has lots of farmland; it is beautiful. No rude alcoholic landlord. It doesn’t reek of tobacco. We could see ourselves living here more long term, at least until we have 2 children (at which time we’d need something larger), and even ordered the last of our furniture this past week. I could see myself raising my babies here (which I never could in the other place and even worried about being pregnant there with the tobacco issue), which is important as we are trying to start our family. There are happy children frolicking around the complex grounds. Lovely parks all around and side streets that I could take my children and feel safe. It feels clean and safe. It feels like a crunchy enough area. 🙂 And there is enough room for a baby and maybe a small dog in this apartment. We are happy. But I still will always keep our old apartment in my heart and will cherish the memories good and bad. It was our first home and it is special. We were truly  blessed that we got to live there for a year.

 

 

Changes and Thoughts

Last night I had a dream that my brother in law who is unmarried and got a girl pregnant 2 years ago, got his current girl pregnant. In the dream I didn’t take the news well at all. Even though, in real life, I’m one to conceal my emotions as best as I can, I cried and yelled at them to their face. I told them it wasn’t fair.

Sometimes I feel like i’m surrounded with so many people from the “mommy club”. Their admission into the club was easy; sometimes unplanned. I want to be in the club. To be given the precious gift of a baby, from God. To grow it inside of me, and then to nurture that little life. There is nothing I want more in my life than to have a family. To be told it might be difficult has been one of my greatest fears over the last 10 years. I have wanted this my whole life, but lately since I’m married the dream feels more like an immediate longing; not a longing for something that is years in the future. My heart hurts at every announcement and it burns with a jealousy I can’t shake; I pray to God for Him to take it from me, and then it comes back; as much as I hate the feelings and am ashamed of them they are there and it might be more of a process of constant surrender than a one time healing.

It is so hard to see others have what I want so badly, especially if it’s unplanned or they are uninvolved parents. Shattering somehow to see them be handed so easily what I have worked and researched so hard for; dreamed of for my entire life. My husband and I have both dreamed of being parents as far back as we can remember. Some might think my feelings are silly. We’ve only been trying for a few months. Maybe it’s a gut feeling or maybe it just what I’ve been through for many years of endocrine hell. Having doctors tell me throughout the years that it would likely be hard to conceive. Seeing others with my condition have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant. The thought of infertility scares me like falling into a black hole. I know I have to surrender, but my hands hold so tightly around this one. I feel my life would be incomplete without a child.

I frighteningly wonder sometimes; what if my dream did come true. What if Adam did announce another pregnancy. Knowing his history it would not be that surprising. What if Patrick and Miranda not only had a 2nd child, but a few more before we had one (we weren’t even trying when they announced their second pregnancy, but I still longed for a baby and felt happy for them but simultaneously like someone punched me in the stomach when they shared the news that we would be aunt and uncle again. Sort of like “God, isn’t it our turn now?”- to make matters worse, i had just missed my fertile window, and so wanted a baby, but we decided it wasn’t time to try yet). What if my friends start having second and third children. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. There is something wrong with me, but a big part of me feels like, “They are living and Stole MY dream” There is something unjust about it. In general I am a gentle person, but nothing makes me resentful like seeing others live out my dream of being a young mother and knowing our journey might be long. It’s hard to have these intense emotions, and feel like it’s shameful and i can’t share it with anyone. Fertility issues are taboo. If this goes on a few more months I may go to a Resolve Infertility support group to talk to others who can relate to how I feel. I feel so emotionally alone in this. Plus I can’t share with many people, because they might not be able to understand how I feel because I’ve only been married for a year and am young.

I have actually felt like this for a long time so I feel like we have been trying for a long time. We didn’t start fully not using protection (even though we had been getting looser and looser for a while) until April or May. But I feel like I’ve been at this forever. I’ve felt this yearning all the time. Through bad and good times. We had  a rough patch in our marriage, and I wondered to myself if I were distracting myself from those issues. Honestly, I do not think so. I have felt like this at busy times, good times, bad times, less busy times. I want to be a mommy from the deepest part of my soul. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it because it’s definitely something that could be an idol in my life and has caused me to have many sinful thoughts. I feel like if God gave this to me, it would totally be His grace. Because the filth in my heart doesn’t deserve such a gift. Maybe God is using this journey to sanctify my heart.

All things beautiful in His time.❤

Changes and thoughts…

Last night I had a dream that my brother in law who is unmarried and got a girl pregnant 2 years ago, got his current girl pregnant. In the dream I didn’t take the news well at all. Even though, in real life, I’m one to conceal my emotions as best as I can, I cried and yelled at them to their face. I told them it wasn’t fair.

Sometimes I feel like i’m surrounded with so many people from the “mommy club”. Their admission into the club was easy; sometimes unplanned. I want to be in the club. To be given the precious gift of a baby, from God. To grow it inside of me, and then to nurture that little life. There is nothing I want more in my life than to have a family. To be told it might be difficult has been one of my greatest fears over the last 10 years. I have wanted this my whole life, but lately since I’m married the dream feels more like an immediate longing; not a longing for something that is years in the future. My heart hurts at every announcement and it burns with a jealousy I can’t shake; I pray to God for Him to take it from me, and then it comes back; as much as I hate the feelings and am ashamed of them they are there and it might be more of a process of constant surrender than a one time healing.

It is so hard to see others have what I want so badly, especially if it’s unplanned or they are uninvolved parents. Shattering somehow to see them be handed so easily what I have worked and researched so hard for; dreamed of for my entire life. My husband and I have both dreamed of being parents as far back as we can remember. Some might think my feelings are silly. We’ve only been trying for a few months. Maybe it’s a gut feeling or maybe it just what I’ve been through for many years of endocrine hell. Having doctors tell me throughout the years that it would likely be hard to conceive. Seeing others with my condition have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant. The thought of infertility scares me like falling into a black hole. I know I have to surrender, but my hands hold so tightly around this one. I feel my life would be incomplete without a child.

I frighteningly wonder sometimes; what if my dream did come true. What if Adam did announce another pregnancy. Knowing his history it would not be that surprising. What if Patrick and Miranda not only had a 2nd child, but a few more before we had one (we weren’t even trying when they announced their second pregnancy, but I still longed for a baby and felt happy for them but simultaneously like someone punched me in the stomach when they shared the news that we would be aunt and uncle again. Sort of like “God, isn’t it our turn now?”- to make matters worse, i had just missed my fertile window, and so wanted a baby, but we decided it wasn’t time to try yet). What if my friends start having second and third children. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. There is something wrong with me, but a big part of me feels like, “They are living and Stole MY dream” There is something unjust about it. In general I am a gentle person, but nothing makes me resentful like seeing others live out my dream of being a young mother and knowing our journey might be long. It’s hard to have these intense emotions, and feel like it’s shameful and i can’t share it with anyone. Fertility issues are taboo. If this goes on a few more months I may go to a Resolve Infertility support group to talk to others who can relate to how I feel. I feel so emotionally alone in this. Plus I can’t share with many people, because they might not be able to understand how I feel because I’ve only been married for a year and am young.

I have actually felt like this for a long time so I feel like we have been trying for a long time. We didn’t start fully not using protection (even though we had been getting looser and looser for a while) until April or May. But I feel like I’ve been at this forever. I’ve felt this yearning all the time. Through bad and good times. We had  a rough patch in our marriage, and I wondered to myself if I were distracting myself from those issues. Honestly, I do not think so. I have felt like this at busy times, good times, bad times, less busy times. I want to be a mommy from the deepest part of my soul. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it because it’s definitely something that could be an idol in my life and has caused me to have many sinful thoughts. I feel like if God gave this to me, it would totally be His grace. Because the filth in my heart doesn’t deserve such a gift. Maybe God is using this journey to sanctify my heart.

All things beautiful in His time. ❤

 

Being Grateful!

It’s hard sometimes to trust in God’s timing and to be grateful for the gifts that He has give me right now. It’s so easy to worry about what might happen in the future. I spend much time doing this. And then I resent where I am and look to other people’s gifts and wish I was bestowed those gifts instead of the ones that I’ve been given.

This morning I felt emotional about things. Not only have I been feeling stressed about our move in a few weeks, and the new job I’m starting, but I would love to get pregnant soon. I know, probably a lot going on, but it’s such a desire of my heart and I have been praying for a child in God’s timing (although I’d prefer it to happen relatively sooner than later). I realized that what I thought was ovulation was really a fluke. I did not ovulate and seem to be having my first anovulatory cycle in years. My body seems to have geared up well, but it never happened. My first reaction was anger at my body, “my body is betraying me”. I worked hard to get my cycles back years ago after my eating disorder and I seek to have balance in my life with one of my goals being to maintain as much fertility as I can. I am very into healthy and natural living and have developed a penchant for crunchy mamma stuff and have started reading piles of “preconception” literature. And then my ovaries have the nerve to betray me right when we’d like to start trying for a baby. It’s like my hands are clutched so tightly around that; the thing I’ve wanted more than anything in my life- to be a mother and have a happy family. It’s easy to feel sad especially when I see so many others around me becoming mothers. Today I called out to God, “Lord, do you think they’d be better mothers than me?” It seems to come so easily to them. We’ve not used protection for a few cycles and nothing has happened and now on my fourth cycle I didn’t even ovulate.

I could pretend it’s not a huge issue, but for me it’s very much an emotional issue. I try to re-surrender to God, but it’s difficult. This morning, I went to my special place to cry out to the Lord about all of this and my hurt and worry, and I seemed to get a sense of this. I seemed to get a reassurance that I will be a mother, but I need to be grateful for the things He has done for me already, and not focus on the blessings that others have. I so often just look lustfully at the blessings of others and fail to look at what God has already done for me. I tend to complain about the very things He has gifted me with. Like a career. Like getting through grad school. I believe I need to release my grip on my mommy hood dream. Maybe God is canceling this cycle to get my attention. It’s still quite hard seeing all the pregnant women and babies around me. Very hard.

don't worry.jpg

God wants me to live more by this. I pray I can.

Fear Not.

isaiah 41

I am an extremely anxious person. So often I feel like I just jump from thing to thing to be anxious about. I always assume worst case scenarios. I just want to be able to place everything in the hands of the Lord and trust everything will be ok.

Some of these things include the job I’m starting soon, and starting a family. I’m worried about moving and sad about leaving our little town that has been our first precious home; where we’ve gone through ups and downs together and have formed memories. So many unknowns. I feel so inept at things. Oh, Lord, I am your servant in all of these things.Without You I can do nothing.

Sometimes I read through preconception book after preconception book. I fluctuate between worrying about infertility and the horrible thought of never having child, which is a possibility given my condition. The sheer longing to conceive and raise a child. And the scary what if thoughts about pregnancy such as “What if I have a miscarriage”, “what if something goes wrong or I do something to cause something to go wrong inadvertently”, “what if my child has a disability and I didn’t do enough to prevent it”. Is this the right time? My mind goes crazy. But then I have to realize I have to place it back in God’s hands and pray that we will have a child when we are supposed to have a child. And I will know that it was so meant to be and there is so much purpose for the life of that child.

This month my ovulation is delayed. Maybe it’s the stress lately. I have symptoms that it may have happened around today (I dried up and have cramping right now; imagine if I conceived today even as I wrote this and prayed for the child), so I’m hopeful that I will confirm it in the next few days. As much as I’d love to get pregnant and have a spring baby, I am scared that I’d miscarry due to the stress from new job. It’s truly all in God’s hands and I leave it there and if God wants to give us a child, I pray He does in His perfect timing and that I will be a good mother to the children He gives us.

On another note, sometimes I get upset that I feel like I have more of a strong desire to walk with God than Richie and to seek with my whole heart. We are both not in the best places, but I believe that if I seek I shall find, and he feels like it will find us if it’s meant to be. My spiritual beliefs and relationship with Christ (although it’s not where it’s supposed to be), are of utmost importance to me, so I long to have a husband who is a spiritual leader in this way. I would love to worship together; have deep prayers together. I sometimes feel like I’m pulling a wagon uphill in wanting to have the conservative Christian values and relationship with Christ that I feel I need to have, and he always counters that. It hurts my heart that i feel he makes it harder to live with the ideals that make me feel like I am doing the right thing.

Anyhow, enough thoughts. Going to meet a friend. Take it all Lord, my anxieties about all of this; my Whole Life; my Whole LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

~Bunny

Fear Not.

isaiah 41

I am an extremely anxious person. So often I feel like I just jump from thing to thing to be anxious about. I always assume worst case scenarios. I just want to be able to place everything in the hands of the Lord and trust everything will be ok.

Some of these things include the job I’m starting soon, and starting a family. I’m worried about moving and sad about leaving our little town that has been our first precious home; where we’ve gone through ups and downs together and have formed memories. So many unknowns. I feel so inept at things. Oh, Lord, I am your servant in all of these things.Without You I can do nothing.

Sometimes I read through preconception book after preconception book. I fluctuate between worrying about infertility and the horrible thought of never having child, which is a possibility given my condition. The sheer longing to conceive and raise a child. And the scary what if thoughts about pregnancy such as “What if I have a miscarriage”, “what if something goes wrong or I do something to cause something to go wrong inadvertently”, “what if my child has a disability and I didn’t do enough to prevent it”. Is this the right time? My mind goes crazy. But then I have to realize I have to place it back in God’s hands and pray that we will have a child when we are supposed to have a child. And I will know that it was so meant to be and there is so much purpose for the life of that child.

This month my ovulation is delayed. Maybe it’s the stress lately. I have symptoms that it may have happened around today (I dried up and have cramping right now; imagine if I conceived today even as I wrote this and prayed for the child), so I’m hopeful that I will confirm it in the next few days. As much as I’d love to get pregnant and have a spring baby, I am scared that I’d miscarry due to the stress from new job. It’s truly all in God’s hands and I leave it there and if God wants to give us a child, I pray He does in His perfect timing and that I will be a good mother to the children He gives us.

On another note, sometimes I get upset that I feel like I have more of a strong desire to walk with God than Richie and to seek with my whole heart. We are both not in the best places, but I believe that if I seek I shall find, and he feels like it will find us if it’s meant to be. My spiritual beliefs and relationship with Christ (although it’s not where it’s supposed to be), are of utmost importance to me, so I long to have a husband who is a spiritual leader in this way. I would love to worship together; have deep prayers together. I sometimes feel like I’m pulling a wagon uphill in wanting to have the conservative Christian values and relationship with Christ that I feel I need to have, and he always counters that. It hurts my heart that i feel he makes it harder to live with the ideals that make me feel like I am doing the right thing.

Anyhow, enough thoughts. Going to meet a friend. Take it all Lord, my anxieties about all of this; my Whole Life; my Whole LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

~Bunny

Questions…

So I’m feeling emotional right now. I’m going to vent rawly.

Nothing makes me as emotional as the thought of having kids; being a mommy.

How is it that something I want more than anything cause me such fear and doubt. So much of me wants to be a mamma. I want to raise and nurture little lives. I’ve written how I love my children already. So much. There is nothing that I feel would give my life more purpose than to selflessly give to my children. There is not an hour that goes by that I do not think about it. I imagine what it would be like. Read books. Pray. Feel hurt with each announcement because as happy as I am for the couple who is expecting, deep down I want it to be us. I always pictured being a young mother… Track ovulation and get upset if it is delayed; i’ve already sacrificed so much for this and feel like it’s the one thing I want more than anything in life. I’ve already taken a bunch of steps to detox my life and learn about preconception and prenatal health.

At the same time I have this fear and dread. My biggest fear is that I won’t know what to do and I won’t be a good mommy. Maybe I worry that I’m not cut out for parenting. I don’t know if I feel particularly maternal. I feel so inept and incompetent at so many things and struggle big time with self confidence. I wonder why parenting would be any different. Would it be worth bringing children into the world for me to be their mommy? Would it be better to just bless other people who I interact with than bring precious children into the world to be mine and to affect every day? It a scary thought to be responsible for a child’s wellbeing. I worry that I might have too many personal problems I haven’t yet worked through and that might negatively affect my children. I have very little infant experience so I worry about that. I feel sometimes that my future kids deserve a better mother than I would be.

I can’t imagine having babies around all the time either, since I’ve never had that before. That is a scary thought.

Now that we are on the same page about trying for a baby the reality is exciting sometimes; sometimes so exciting it’s all I can think about, and sometimes so scary I can barely breath. It would be almost like a new life. I don’t know if i can. I’m not sure what placing it in God’s hands mean. I sometimes really feel I can’t. But yet, I know how much I’d regret it if I don’t.

I feel about having kids like it’s like jumping off a high dive into a whole new life and you can’t go back once you jump. I see so many people inside of the water; the new life. I see it’s challenging; overwhelming; almost too much at times; and i can’t see how I can swim in the water; yet others are doing it; I see there are immense blessings; I see the beauty and long for it so much and am jealous of those in the water; yet I’m scared. And I know that if I never jump or wait too long I will feel in some ways like my life was wasted and I didn’t do the most beautiful thing in the world. Jumping is scary and it takes blind faith. Are we ready?

Here I stand on the diving board. I’m not sure if I’m ready to jump. Maybe not this month; or maybe. I am ovulating late this cycle so we can still withdraw and not have much risk. I know that once we conceive, life changes; both in challenging and beautiful ways more than I can imagine. I’m a pathetic potential mother that it’s so scary for me and that I have moments of extreme panic and question. If it was meant to be, wouldn’t I feel so sure and confident and be able to fully picture myself in the role of mother? I also know that sometimes jumping means jumping into another, less desirable pool of fertility struggles, and that scares me too.

I’m not sure. We will walk forward and figure it out and I know the journey, no matter what we choose or when and if we jump will be our journey and it will be beautiful.