My husband and I are fast approaching our first wedding anniversary. A year ago, I was putting the finishing touches on my dream wedding, and getting ready to walk down the aisle in my pink dress and veil-covered face to the person I believed was my soul mate; to join our souls together before the Lord forever. We designed our wedding ceremony to be a testimony of God’s goodness and faithfulness in our lives; filled with worship and a clear declaration of our purpose to follow Jesus Christ in our lives.
Now, with unveiled eyes, as a woman married a year, I look back at that girl excitedly preparing to get married. I have learned so many things. I do absolutely believe the love in our eyes on our wedding day was very real (regardless of the fact that at a very low point back in January we wondered if we got married because of sexual sin; no I do not believe that is the case, although it was part of it; there is genuine love between us). I do also see now that we knew each other very little, and lacked a strong foundation for marriage, other than our love and shared faith in Jesus. He did not realize that things would get complicated with my mom being overly involved. I did not realize the secrets that I would find out he was keeping from me about sexual brokenness.
This year has been one of learning and growing; personally and together as one. I was not prepared for how hard it would be; or that we would both be in recovery (for ourselves); or how someone I loved so dearly and loved me could make me feel so hurt. I was also not expecting the blessing of getting to know my best friend so deeply. The beauty in that vulnerability. The joy in getting to know myself better and growing close to God through it. How beautiful of a gift sex is (it was always ridden with shame for me, and suddenly after we got married, something shifted; and I realized how pure and beautiful married sex was and could be).
I believe that as we are in recovery and working through the issues of our hearts, we are moving in the right direction in our marriage. At the same time, as we search our hearts, some new challenges come up as boxes we didn’t want to touch open up. This has happened recently. On the way home from a Celebrate Recovery meeting, Fox shared with me that he believes that deep down he is bisexual, but that he has kept it in a box for a long time, because these thoughts and feelings scared him and he didn’t want to face them. I have noticed his ideals have become increasingly liberal and I’m not sure if this “coming out of the box as a bisexual” is a cause or an effect of that.
At the same time, he feels that although it’s a part of himself that he’s struggled with same sex attraction, he also is attracted to women, and most importantly, I am his soul mate; he would be attracted to me whether I was a man or a woman.
At first, this scared me deeply. I wondered why this was coming out now, and if this was coming out what else he might be hiding. Or if he would ever act on it someday if this is something that is in his heart, and he believes it is not a sin for people to be gay married.
I believe I can trust him, and want to be able to love him fiercely and without abandon, yet it is hard for me to fully understand some of these issues. I have struggled with much brokenness in my life, but haven’t struggled in the area of sexual brokenness (more than premarital sexual behaviors with my husband). It is scary to not be able to understand his journey of recovery, especially in an area that directly relates to the beautiful gift of married sexual intimacy. But it IS on my heart that my husband is sincere, and that I need to show him Grace, yet make it a priority to work towards recovery together.
I am coming to a place as well, where I feel the Lord is wanting me to give Him my whole self; and be ok with not being where I want to be right now; I’d love to be someone in an issue free marriage, not seeking marriage counseling the week of my first anniversary; having babies. But I am here; along side my husband doing the hard ground work for building a foundation for our marriage. God loves me extravagantly and just wants me and my heart; that’s all; He will do the rest. He is my strength; my rock.
From Psalm 18 ❤
For You will light my lamp;
The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.
For by You I can run against a troop,
By my God I can leap over a wall.
As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places.
He teaches my hands to make war,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great.
You enlarged my path under me,
So my feet did not slip.