Expectations…

A year ago, I was getting ready to put on a beautiful dress and walk down the aisle to my forever life partner. I remember thinking on our honeymoon that we’d never be able to be unhappy again. Little did I know, a very hard year was about to begin.

 

Sometimes we just feel like there is a wall between us. Like we are both hurting each other without meaning to. Like we both have difficulty trusting each other due to things that have happened in the past. One example of this is how I tend to go to my mother first, before him. She tends to act oppressively in our marriage. She will call several times a day and manipulate us into picking up the phone. I like to think we’ve made progress in this area, but she still has unbelievable leverage in our lives, especially my life. I am still under her insurance and her phone plan, so she can track if my phone is dying (and she’ll call incessantly for it to be plugged in). For so long my mom was my lifeline; my everything. And I, hers. It’s so natural from our past dynamic to run to her in a crisis, and it is so natural for her to come and try to swoop me up and solve all of my problems; or the problems that she perceives that I have. We need to end this dynamic, but it’s very hard to feel like I have to choose between him and mom who has made herself like a god figure in my life.

 

Richie told me last night how he feels he can’t share anything negative with me because I shut down, which is true. But he shared how hurt he is and how hard this year has been for him. And how half the time he wants to just leave. I wish he had the same sacred view of this thing called the covenant of marriage that we entered. I would not just leave. I am trying my best to be a good wife. Maybe I’m not making progress fast enough, but I’m trying. I believe I am

 

I have learned this year how serious marriage is. Weddings are pretty much just a  fun party. If I were to do it again, we’d have a very small wedding and focus on the seriousness of what we were doing. Not a show or a party, even if it was nice. I almost feel like it was a joke of a day; 25k down the toilet. The pictures are pictures of two people who really didn’t know what they were getting into.

 

I love my husband. I will continue to pray Christ’s blood, mercy, and grace over our marriage.

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Fitness

For so long I’ve placed physical fitness on such a high pedestal. I want to put spiritual fitness above physical fitness. Even if I stay physically fit, my body will eventually wither and die; my soul will live forever.

Where I am in my marriage.

My husband and I are fast approaching our first wedding anniversary. A year ago, I was putting the finishing touches on my dream wedding, and getting ready to walk down the aisle in my pink dress and veil-covered face to the person I believed was my soul mate; to join our souls together before the Lord forever. We designed our wedding ceremony to be a testimony of God’s goodness and faithfulness in our lives; filled with worship and a clear declaration of our purpose to follow Jesus Christ in our lives.

 

Now, with unveiled eyes, as a woman married a year, I look back at that girl excitedly preparing to get married. I have learned so many things. I do absolutely believe the love in our eyes on our wedding day was very real (regardless of the fact that at a very low point back in January we wondered if we got married because of sexual sin; no I do not believe that is the case, although it was part of it; there is genuine love between us). I do also see now that we knew each other very little, and lacked a strong foundation for marriage, other than our love and shared faith in Jesus. He did not realize that things would get complicated with my mom being overly involved. I did not realize the secrets that I would find out he was keeping from me about sexual brokenness.

 

This year has been one of learning and growing; personally and together as one. I was not prepared for how hard it would be; or that we would both be in recovery (for ourselves); or how someone I loved so dearly and loved me could make me feel so hurt. I was also not expecting the blessing of getting to know my best friend so deeply. The beauty in that vulnerability. The joy in getting to know myself better and growing close to God through it. How beautiful of a gift sex is (it was always ridden with shame for me, and suddenly after we got married, something shifted; and I realized how pure and beautiful married sex was and could be).

 

I believe that as we are in recovery and working through the issues of our hearts, we are moving in the right direction in our marriage. At the same time, as we search our hearts, some new challenges come up as boxes we didn’t want to touch open up. This has happened recently. On the way home from a Celebrate Recovery meeting, Fox shared with me that he believes that deep down he is bisexual, but that he has kept it in a box for a long time, because these thoughts and feelings scared him and he didn’t want to face them. I have noticed his ideals have become increasingly liberal and I’m not sure if this “coming out of the box as a bisexual” is a cause or an effect of that.

 

At the same time, he feels that although it’s a part of himself that he’s struggled with same sex attraction, he also is attracted to women, and most importantly, I am his soul mate; he would be attracted to me whether I was a man or a woman.

 

At first, this scared me deeply. I wondered why this was coming out now, and if this was coming out what else he might be hiding. Or if he would ever act on it someday if this is something that is in his heart, and he believes it is not a sin for people to be gay married.

 

I believe I can trust him, and want to be able to love him fiercely and without abandon, yet it is hard for me to fully understand some of these issues. I have struggled with much brokenness in my life, but haven’t struggled in the area of sexual brokenness (more than premarital sexual behaviors with my husband). It is scary to not be able to understand his journey of recovery, especially in an area that directly relates to the beautiful gift of married sexual intimacy. But it IS on my heart that my husband is sincere, and that I need to show him Grace, yet make it a priority to work towards recovery together.

 

I am coming to a place as well, where I feel the Lord is wanting me to give Him my whole self; and be ok with not being where I want to be right now; I’d love to be someone in an issue free marriage, not seeking marriage counseling the week of my first anniversary; having babies. But I am here; along side my husband doing the hard ground work for building a foundation for our marriage. God loves me extravagantly and just wants me and my heart; that’s all; He will do the rest. He is my strength; my rock.

 

From Psalm 18 ❤

For You will light my lamp;
The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.

For by You I can run against a troop,
By my God I can leap over a wall.

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?

It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places.

He teaches my hands to make war,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great.

You enlarged my path under me,
 So my feet did not slip.

Can you “lust” sinfully after one of God’s greatest blessings and rewards??

The Bible says so many things about how children are a wonderful gift. They are a reward, Jesus loves children, a wonderful thing, a blessing, we are to “be fruitful and multiply”. Yet at the same time, this can become an idol when the Hope turns to lust, jealousy, obsession.

God has laid on my heart, and then told me through my husband yesterday that i’m lusting after having children. Many of my friends are having children. I have been told I may have fertility issues, so I have a deep, deep fear. I work with young children, and people have told me I’m gifted w/ babies and children and it truly makes my heart come alive to  interact with kids and I also just having this longing to have children and nurture them. It’s almost Mother’s Day. I’ve always dreamed more than anything of having children; since I was a little girl. I already love my children and feel like I can understand how parents sacrifice for their children and love them selflessly! Honestly I’ve truly never desired anything so much and for the last months this has just grown out of control, from something I’d like to do someday, to something I’d like to do asap and kinda would be driven to do anything to do so, and to the point that it hurts my heart to be asked questions (the “when are you having children” that seems to come up at least once a week or even from my grandparents last week “so when are the great grandchildren coming?”) or to hear a new announcement (esp. those who were barely trying kinda shatters my heart in a profound, yet selfish way), or even sometimes be around my friends or family w/ babies or who are pregnant because I want to be in that place (wrong attitudes that i’m having trouble turning off lately) and have a baby of our own to nurture. I also realized this had become a big deal of what I think about. I always read about parenting, pregnancy, fertility awareness, TTC etc, and was in so many online discussion groups on fb and it’s become an obsession. I left them the other day to clear my head. I’m willing to do anything, including cut back my workouts (because i’ve heard high intensity can harm fertility- in fact i believe it contributed to stopping my cycles completely for some years… in fact i’m almost driven to do so lately because i want kids so badly), clean up my diet further to hopefully increase my fertility, supplements; anything. The desire drives really me.

Lately i’ve been sad around ovulation because we (usually) prevent pregnancy (and decided together to wait till the fall or winter to try)- and not that strictly- and i’m a black and white person, so the last few months i’ve kinda hoped it would fail and we could take a slightly bigger risk. This has gotten out of control (to the point that many days I cry which is really embarrassing). Why would God choose other people for this important job, responsibility, blessing, now, and not me right now!! Why do I have to wait?? I don’t know why God who loves life would lay on our hearts to wait several months. Maybe so I can place Him in front of this desire, be absolutely sure this desire isn’t emotional, and work out logistical issues? Hubby told me last night what God has laid on my heart. I have turned what should (and was at one point) a Hope, into a lust, an unhealthy sinful desire.

I have googled a bit and more often I have read Christian articles about the gift that children are and how more people should have children younger. God laid on my heart that I have the same attitude of idolatry and jealousy as Rachel in the bible who said “give me children or i’ll die” (I feel like so much of what I see myself being is a mom; and if it never happened, would I see a point in even living? If my husband Deliberately didn’t give me children, could I still love him?). God has also brought to mind the passage about Abraham in Genesis 22 about how He called Abraham to sacrifice the most precious thing to him, his gift of a long awaited son, Isaaic. He has showed me that I clench my hands tightly around this dream and have for a long time, but in an unhealthy way lately, and i have to surrender; as this desire is “my Isaaic”. I want to have children so much it hurts my heart!!!!!

So… how do I surrender? I guess that is something I have to learn and re-do every day and sometimes several times a day. 🙂 And ask God to turn what has become a lust, into a beautiful Hope of something that is good. I believe if He puts some desire into someone’s heart for a lifetime, it Will be fulfilled in His time and way. And for my whole life, whenever I pray about this, I feel reassured that it will happen.