It’s funny and ironic that 4 months ago from this day was the happiest day of my life… a day where I smiled the whole day and any tear shed was that of sheer joy… and now i’m spending the day crying depressed tears. Why can’t I go back in time? I want to be back there, at that brief moment in time, if only for a minute. Life feels hard. I feel like a failure. sigh.
I just deleted a post… but all I can say… is it’s been such a stressful growing time for me… A real time of Knowing “when I can’t He surely can”… leaning on Him…
more later ❤
Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit from me…
What a crazy few weeks it’s been. Few months. Year. With moving and finishing grad school… and trying to remain pure. Having my LD boyfriend move in w/ parents. Marrying him. Then struggling to figure out issues w/ family and understanding marriage and just working as a unit. Starting a new job. Being expected to be professional… not little student Lizzie. It’s been overwhelming. I feel peace when I look to the Lord, but when I look away I feel fear.
I know God is working in my life, but I often block Him from doing this by filling my life w/ things that aren’t him. I get so overwhelmed w/ life and dissociate and find things to help me do this… In the past it was my eating disorder. Now it’s little things that help me tune out so well. One of these is Facebook. The Lord has convicted my heart that I need a real break from this. Not only do I use it to numb myself from life, but I use it to compare to others and to make myself look better. The Lord told me it’s a no for right now. I need to focus on my job, on my new marriage, on others in my life, on the changes and business, on healing my relationship with my family and with the Lord. There are some good things about FB. I sometimes use it to reach out to others who have struggled with various things counsel them and provide support (i love to help people in areas where the Lord has healed me, but my walk with the Lord isn’t the best right now, and i need to focus on getting it right). There are good health and scripture pages that I follow that can be helpful, but I know in my heart it’s a no for right now. I feel so empty, yet so free when I surrender this. I can’t have any more days where I spend all day on FB and then when my husband gets home it’s time to get to work. He deserves more than that… What kind of a wife am I? So that’s where I’m at with that… once again, in a place of humble surrender, asking the Lord to empty me so He can fill me with His peace and i can actually accomplish things! When my life is over, I so don’t want it to be about numbing and dissociating. I want to be a great wife and mother and friend who loved the Lord and fully experienced life.
In terms of my job… it’s overwhelming. I feel like little Lizzie who is 16 (not really, but I feel so young sometimes) who is expected to be a professional OT; Mrs. R. It’s so scary and I really need the Lord to pour into me, not only so I can do my job and stay productive… but so that I can view this as what the Lord has called me to… He has opened all of the doors in this field… and I want to empty myself so that He can pour His power into my life so that I can touch the kids with His Love. I want this to be more than my job. I want this to be my ministry. Lord, please help me to not only feel professionally confident and competent, but in Jesus name, help me to help these kids and to touch them with your power and help them in a way that only you could help me to do… and then help me to give all of the power to you, Lord Jesus…
It’s also an overwhelming, but exciting time, because my husband and I moving out. I’m going to be on my own (with him) for the first time in 4 years when i moved into the college dorm and totally fell apart with my eating disorder. I’m so done with that chapter of my life, by the grace of God alone… yet I feel like the reason it was so hard for me was that it was simply so overwhelming to me to be an adult when I have a controlling mother who has always stepped in and solved all of my problems for me my whole life. It’s years later and i’m in such a different place and I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, but i’m still anxious little Lizzie who’s scared deep down to grow up and feels incompetent and inept at life. Well now it’s time for Richie and I to be adults. I am so nervous, but excited. It’s no longer Lizzie Richie and mom… it’s the 3 strands that we committed to on our wedding day… Richie Lizzie and Jesus…
Thank you for all you do, Lord… for your blessings, and for where you are leading me and Richie. You give us so many good things… Keep drawing us to yourself through these things… and empty me and create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
Thank you Jesus for your Grace, Healing, Forgiveness, and Guidance…
1 more thought… to remember this time and always…
He Leadeth me…
- He leadeth me, O blessed thought!
O words with heav’nly comfort fraught!
Whate’er I do, where’er I be
Still ’tis God’s hand that leadeth me.
He leadeth me, He leadeth me,
By His own hand He leadeth me;
His faithful foll’wer I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.
- Sometimes ’mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom,
By waters still, o’er troubled sea,
Still ’tis His hand that leadeth me.
- Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since ’tis my God that leadeth me.
- And when my task on earth is done,
When by Thy grace the vict’ry’s won,
E’en death’s cold wave I will not flee,
Since God through Jordan leadeth me.
So, yesterday marks 100 days of marriage for Richie and I!! It’s been quite a road already, but a good one overall 🙂 I’d say that for us, the hardest part of marriage thus far has been living with my parents. My parents are wonderful people, but my mom in particular can be quite overbearing. She likes to steer other people’s lives and feels comfortable in that role. Because of this, sometimes it feels like we have a third person in our marriage, and that person is not the Lord. It has been a hard chapter of our lives because we do not feel like married adults much of the time, but rather children living in my parents house who cannot make our own decisions. We are planning to move out into a family friends apartment as he will not be staying there for a few months, which is a good thing because they are charging us minimal rent, but it’s also a temporary thing, and we have to move in a few months. In a way I’m scared to move out. I’m scared to not be under my mom’s guidance and leadership, but as Richie reminded me last night, when I married him, I vowed to trust his protection and him as the head of our home and he vowed to love and protect me. This will be a transition, but i’m sure it will be just what our marriage needs.
Being married though, together all the time, and knowing it’s for the rest of our lives; not having to hold back our physical affections at all and lavishing them on each other; it’s wonderful and sometimes feels like a surreal dream!!
Another thing on my mind is some things the Lord has been showing me lately and revealing to me. One is my Facebook addiction. The Lord revealed to me a while ago that I need to take at least a break and that it was feeding into many issues of sin and most importantly keeping me from fully tending to my relationship with Him (as I’d check it several times a day and probably spend all of my free time on it). I have low self esteem in some ways so I’d spend hours checking out other peoples pages and comparing their lives and pictures with mine; and then feeling shitty about my life. At the same time, I’d post pictures of myself that were flattering and enjoy having others comment about how pretty I looked, or seeing how many people and who “liked” my photos. It became a vanity-based time sink. Also, I would chat with people, which could be good or bad, but I spent a lot more time chatting on Facebook, than I did chatting with Jesus! So He told me to stop for now.
And finally, I had my husband change my Facebook password and hold it for me, so only he know it and could log me in. I was off of it for a few months, and then just recently I have been asking Richie to log me in every few days. i don’t know if I’m ready yet. I have to pray about this, because I still feel addicted, and will spend even longer on it, because I know I can’t automatically get back on when I log out. I just know that I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind, and my break from Facebook can help to do just that. I need to be deliberate in connecting to my Lord, because I’ve seen that my relationship with Him is often not very strong. I often do the Christian things, because it feels good and it’s second nature growing up in the church, yet, when I reflect, my relationship with the Lord isn’t very vibrant. That needs to change and I need to take the time to tend my most important relationship. I want to be so in love with Jesus.
Lately it’s been an interesting time in my faith. A growing time, I’d say, but a time when the Lord has been showing me some filthy things in my heart that need to be surrendered. Some attitudes towards people I love that are very hard to surrender (1 person in my life in particular). Things I’ve held onto for a long time. He always brings me back to that place where I see that the fulfillment of the law is love, and in order to have a heart of purity and reverence and inward beauty to the Lord (another thing I’ve been learning in a deep way is that life is so so so fleeting and so is outward beauty that I so often run after for whatever reason; I need to pray that i desire and nurture that inner and lasting beauty that comes from a pure and reverent heart!). I need to ask Him to remove these deeply rooted things and fill it with His love in a way that only He can. I think I believe that my God can change hearts… I think i’ve also been seeing in a new way that it’s not about the outward at all with the Lord. I”m pretty good at the outward stuff and seeming nice enough and being involved in church.
I’ve been in christianish churchish stuff for a long time, and find it pretty easy to appear set apart from the world based on my personality and upbringing, so it’s easy for me to slip into “playing the role” sometimes, and not let the Lord chance me from the INSIDE!!!!!!!!!! Easy to walk around playing the role sometimes and not letting Him purify this heart of mine so that I can fully Love. It’s SOOOO much more about Loving than about what we do (it’s sometimes so much easier to do the outward, even if they are good things that we are called to do and call it a day; surrendering things; than just surrendering our whole hearts and allowing the Savior; the very Creator to do the Inward work)… ya know??!? My heart esp in this one relationship w/ someone very dear to me (a family member) needs alot of inward work on my part as i have downright filth there i’ve been seeing. I know it’s your desire and commandment for me to Love with Jesus love. Help me to fully love her, with the love of our masterful creator.
Lately I’ve heard the enemies voice pretty clearly. Please pray that I can feel His peace. His conviction, but not that of the enemy, and that He can fill my heart with His love in these areas. Peace and Love. And that I can hear the Lord’s voice so clearly (I’ve had times lately i haven’t heard His voice at all which starts to lead to doubts sometimes like as far as “w/ how my heart is am I really saved?”…) but those are lies from the enemy. Oh and that I can keep growing through this time into the woman who can most be used by the Lord for His Kingdom.
Will write more on this later, but I’ve had the hard realization lately that God brings some people into our lives if only but for a very short time, but they can touch us in profound ways. As hard as it can be, because we can feel close to them, and know that they are always so special to us… I’m realizing that sometimes we need to just accept that these God send relationships are only for a season… and be grateful, knowing that the Lord is all knowing and used it for His good, and may even restore it again in this life or the next eternal one… I’m super nervous about my job starting, but I’ll write more about this another time.