Questions

So I’m feeling emotional right now. I’m going to vent rawly.

Nothing makes me as emotional as the thought of having kids; being a mommy.

How is it that something I want more than anything cause me such fear and doubt. So much of me wants to be a mamma. I want to raise and nurture little lives. I’ve written how I love my children already. So much. There is nothing that I feel would give my life more purpose than to selflessly give to my children. There is not an hour that goes by that I do not think about it. I imagine what it would be like. Read books. Pray. Feel hurt with each announcement because as happy as I am for the couple who is expecting, deep down I want it to be us. I always pictured being a young mother… Track ovulation and get upset if it is delayed; i’ve already sacrificed so much for this and feel like it’s the one thing I want more than anything in life. I’ve already taken a bunch of steps to detox my life and learn about preconception and prenatal health.

At the same time I have this fear and dread. My biggest fear is that I won’t know what to do and I won’t be a good mommy. Maybe I worry that I’m not cut out for parenting. I don’t know if I feel particularly maternal. I feel so inept and incompetent at so many things and struggle big time with self confidence. I wonder why parenting would be any different. Would it be worth bringing children into the world for me to be their mommy? Would it be better to just bless other people who I interact with than bring precious children into the world to be mine and to affect every day? It a scary thought to be responsible for a child’s wellbeing. I worry that I might have too many personal problems I haven’t yet worked through and that might negatively affect my children. I have very little infant experience so I worry about that. I feel sometimes that my future kids deserve a better mother than I would be.

I can’t imagine having babies around all the time either, since I’ve never had that before. That is a scary thought.

Now that we are on the same page about trying for a baby the reality is exciting sometimes; sometimes so exciting it’s all I can think about, and sometimes so scary I can barely breath. It would be almost like a new life. I don’t know if i can. I’m not sure what placing it in God’s hands mean. I sometimes really feel I can’t. But yet, I know how much I’d regret it if I don’t.

I feel about having kids like it’s like jumping off a high dive into a whole new life and you can’t go back once you jump. I see so many people inside of the water; the new life. I see it’s challenging; overwhelming; almost too much at times; and i can’t see how I can swim in the water; yet others are doing it; I see there are immense blessings; I see the beauty and long for it so much and am jealous of those in the water; yet I’m scared. And I know that if I never jump or wait too long I will feel in some ways like my life was wasted and I didn’t do the most beautiful thing in the world. Jumping is scary and it takes blind faith. Are we ready?

Here I stand on the diving board. I’m not sure if I’m ready to jump. Maybe not this month; or maybe. I am ovulating late this cycle so we can still withdraw and not have much risk. I know that once we conceive, life changes; both in challenging and beautiful ways more than I can imagine. I’m a pathetic potential mother that it’s so scary for me and that I have moments of extreme panic and question. If it was meant to be, wouldn’t I feel so sure and confident and be able to fully picture myself in the role of mother? I also know that sometimes jumping means jumping into another, less desirable pool of fertility struggles, and that scares me too.

I’m not sure. We will walk forward and figure it out and I know the journey, no matter what we choose or when and if we jump will be our journey and it will be beautiful. ❤

Hope in His Word and timing

Today I woke up to 2 pink lines; no they were not my two pink lines. They were the 2 pink lines of a woman on a Facebook group (I see these often as I am in several fertility related Facebook groups). It was her first month trying for baby number two and she was pregnant. These announcements fill me with so many emotions. One, I do (usually) feel genuinely happy for the woman and her family. Especially if it was a struggle for her. I know this lady struggled for baby number one. Yet, I feel a bit of jealousy; I am doing everything right, and this didn’t happen for me. And some fear. This morning, I went back to look at my recent cycle charts and I guess (once i ovulate… a bit frustrated that i’m late this cycle) this will be cycle 4 or 5 of pregnancy being a decent possibility (we are not trying that hard, but not preventing at this point). It is so easy for my mind to wander to resentment of those who it comes so easily to, and they think they might want a baby and God hands one to them wrapped in a bow.

This is my journey, and my journey might be different. I’m not sure why my journey is different, but I continue to trust God for how He will build our family and when. It’s so hard to stay in that place of hopeful surrender. One little thing or thought seems to blow me off of that place, and I have to consciously get back there. I will be in a place of completely trusting God for this issue, and then I see an announcement of someone barely trying or someone makes an insensitive comment; I have a thought of fear; and my mind goes back to that dangerous place. Oh Jesus, help me to Hope and Trust in You. Maybe my journey is different just so I can more fully appreciate the blessing of the child that He will give to us. Or so that my story can be a testimony to others of the goodness of God. Or just maybe Jesus is using this to teach me to trust, surrender to Him in it, and love Him more through this journey.

Someday, when I see 2 pink lines, or when I hold my baby(or babies) i will know with my whole heart this was planned by the Creator. This is my journey; my journey is different; but it is and Will be beautiful. Help me to Trust. 

Dear Lord,

I am so sorry for how I’ve fallen back into fear about your plan for my family. I re surrender that to You right now, and choose to be in that place of Trust. I pray against the enemy using this journey to harm me and cut me off from others who I am jealous of; but I pray that you use it to bless me and others. I pray that you prepare my heart and Richie’s hearts and mind to be parents at just the time you open that door. Help me to wait on Your perfect timing. Thank you that you are good and I can place my whole Hope in You.

storywillnotend

I’m so grateful for this truth.

More later, but at this point in my recovery, God has been revealing many dark parts of my heart to me. I’m so grateful for grace and that I can surrender to the Lord and He can change me heart. I need that so much.

Marriage; More Changes; Thoughts about Babies

So this past week or two has been a week of many changes for us.

I decided to take a job which requires a move. In a way I’m grateful since this is a job I am very excited (and nervous) about. But I’m upset that we will be having more big changes in our life. It’s been a stressful few weeks. Even though the Fox and I doing much better relationally than we had been doing, he’s been working tons these past weeks, and it’s been hard to not see him often. I just want time with him and love him so much. I haven’t written much about our journey to marital healing thus far, but we’ve really been working a lot on communication (with a marriage counselor guiding us) and it’s been so valuable. During this stressful time, which is busier for him than me, I’d love to be a help to him, and pray that I can go out of myself to do this.

Before we knew about this job offer, we decided we would open the door up for whenever God might give us children (if He wants to do this biologically). Things have been good in our marriage and we have come to a strong point, and I felt I’d only have a peace about our possible infertility if we had kept the door open from our optimal fertile time (our mid 20s). If nothing ever happened, knowing we had only prevented for a year (loosely) during a rough time in our marriage and stopped preventing as soon as we felt we’d be able to provide a strong home for children, i’d have peace that it wasn’t the route God had for us to grow our family (although I know coming to this point would take time). The plan was that I would stay at my current job, and if I happened to fall pregnant Richie would stay home with the baby and do school for a few years and I would work school hours. It would be a sacrifice and difficult for this girl who dreams of being an involved, stay at home mamma, but we both felt in out hearts that it was the best option (not the easiest, but the best), after lots of thought. Then I got the job, so we are throwing a move into the plan…

We’ve had a few months where we’ve been so loose with our natural birth control that it could have seemed we were trying for a few months (not trying not preventing i guess? slightly preventing maybe?). We were sort of whatever about it for maybe 3 or 4 months. But last cycle, before we knew about all the changes, we actually deliberately had lots of (deliciously unprotected) sex around ovulation.  We talked about just seeing what happens. Our marriage was in a decent place. We know we may have difficulty and want to get every opportunity we can and not waste months or years preventing and then deal with our fertility issues plus age too (fertility declines starting in a woman’s late 20s but more rapidly starting in the 30s). And the plan would be the same (he stays home for some years; then we switch when he is done with school). I know now that it would have been absolutely crazy if we were moving and dealing with pregnancy (my reproductive endocrinologist said we can try to get pregnant naturally, and if it happens I will need to come in and confirm it and then get medication and monitoring every two weeks; which would have been crazy with the move; the RE said I could transfer to my midwife who I love after the 1st trimester, and we are moving away from them, so hopefully i can find another one i like by where we move before we are pregnant). But (even if you totally expected to not be pregnant) it’s still sad to some extent when you thought you timed things in a way that might have made a baby, and nothing happens, except your uterus seeming to cry tears of blood about two weeks later and angrily cramp up as if to make matters worse. Still a bit of hope dies. I know each month we have UP sex and no pregnancy occurs is a higher chance we’ll end up doing treatment (i’d love as natural of a pregnancy as possible, and would love it to even happen naturally); or it never happening all all. I’m not sure if I could say it was month 1 or trying or 4. We never tried that hard to not get pregnant, so I’m not sure.

On months we open that door, even if it wasn’t something we planned (one month it was due to early ovulation) or it was on a whim (that happened in April; hey lets go for it; only to result in my period coming on a somewhat tearful mother’s day weekend). It’s funny how a few years ago when I recovered from my eating disorder and worked extra hard to fully recovery; that meant gaining enough body fat to be able to ovulate and get my period on my own after years of it being missing or only getting it on medications; the first few times it came I was SO happy praising God that my body worked and was healed. I didn’t mind cramps or anything. And now when I start to feel those cramps kick in or the very distinct mood swings I get the day before I start; or see my temperature drop which means I’ll start the next day and did not get pregnant; then the bleeding starts which just throws it in my face (although I’m grateful I do have a cycle; better than if I still didn’t; don’t know what we’d do then, but it would be really upsetting). I can’t help but cry. I think it’s both a mixture of sadness because that small seed of hope is lost; then there is a fear this will be my indefinite story and that no life will ever grow in my womb. That happened this past week. Now I see that maybe it’s a good thing that pregnancy didn’t happen with this transition, because just now is it hitting me; we are MOVING; we are having big changes in our family!!!!! We haven’t talked about if we are going to continue to see what happens in that regard in the next few months or wait till we are settled in our home and I’m settled in my job before I open the door to a potentially rough 1st trimester (stress; worry; doctors appointments; morning sickness). We aren’t sure yet. In this regard i’m taking good care of my body (eating healthy, extra clean, amply, taking rest days but exercising moderately, living very clean and reducing toxins, reading holistic preconception literature as a can, but finding the balance of leaving it in God’s hands and trusting in His plan for us and our family).

So I’m searching for an apartment and hopefully we will find one soon. I will be sad to leave this place we’ve grown to call our “home” over the last year and that thought fills me with sadness. But I know it’s just moving into a new chapter of our lives. We’ve debated 1 BR vs 2 and decided on 1; even if God did give us a baby sooner rather than later, we feel that we could have a baby in 1BR and it would save lots of money. People often think they need more than they actually do, and we’ve been quite happy in our cozy 1 BR apartment 🙂

Anyhow. more later.

 

For this child I have prayed…

27 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.28 Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.”And he worshiped the Lord there.

1samuelonsie

The above scripture comes from 1 Samuel 1. This passage speaks about Hannah’s longing to have a son. She was despondent to the point of weeping bitterly and not eating. She had so much including a husband who loved her. He responded, “Am I not more to you than ten sons?” She prayed to the LORD, If you give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of His life” She ultimately did have a son, Samuel and dedicated him to the Lord as she had promised.

As I’ve written before, I’ve always longed to be a mommy; as far back as I can remember. I dreamed about having lots of children as a little girl (most of the kids I’d have in my childhood fantasies were girls). My husband has always dreamed about being a daddy too. He has told me the story of how when he was a small child, maybe in preschool, he told his mother excitedly about how when he grew up he would build a crib for his baby. He went on about all the things he would do for his baby. Finally his mom asked him, “who is going to be the mommy?” He wasn’t sure, but he knew he wanted to be a daddy. It’s just been something we’ve both dreamed about for a long time separately and now we dream about it together. Having a family together is probably our biggest dream.

I don’t know if it’s an intuition or a fear, but going through the crazy endocrine journey that I’ve been through has given me this deep despondent fear of never being able to have children. Even though we’ve technically just opened this door a few months ago, and just started trying this past month (didn’t work by the way), I just fear that we’ll be one of those couples who are never able to have children (getting diagnosed with 3 endocrine conditions by 26 can do that). The thought hurts my heart so much, because the longing for children is deeper than ever, and I have so much love in my heart to give my children. With each announcement (particularly “opps pregnancies”… it hurts my heart in some ways). I feel like I have put so much worry, prayer, and research energy into this, energy cleaning up my lifestyle to be optimal for pregnancy and conception; and for some people they seemingly just think “hmmm a baby would be nice” and then God places one into their arms. Does He think they’d be better parents than us? Why is the journey harder for us?

I remember so many times, even when I was single and years from having kids, I would feel this deep sadness that I may never be able to have children. It made sense; at that point I had amenorrhea for years, and no doctor could figure out what was wrong. How I wanted to be able to have children someday. Even then, I’d weep bitterly, and pray over my body; that God would somehow heal my womb and give me children someday; having faith because He healed the barren women of the Bible. And now, that we are in this stage of life; the yearning is just so much stronger. There is not a day that I don’t long for children; that this fear doesn’t hurt my heart; that it doesn’t hurt in some way to see people around me get pregnant easily when it might be difficult for us. Even though we just opened this door, I have wanted it deep down probably since November or December, and now that it (sort of) makes sense for where we are in our marriage (Praise Him; in a much stronger place by His Grace and work on our parts); and we are placing it in God’s hands, I can’t help but want it more than anything and sort of be driven in a way by it; even though I don’t want to TTC; i want to just not prevent and see what the Creator does and be led by Him when and if to use medications or certain treatments. I want to give Him control, not take control. I fully believe it is on both of our hearts to adopt someday no matter what.

I choose to keep praying and knowing in God’s time and way, we will have a child, and even if that journey isn’t what we think it should look like; it will be beautiful and written by the Creator. That baby will be so prayed for; hoped for (I don’t think there is anything I’ve prayed or hoped for more); and so loved; and like Hannah I will say with my whole heart, “I prayed for this child, and God gave me what I asked for. And now I have dedicated him to God. He’s dedicated to God for life”. And I will know so well, that precious child is a gift and miracle.

Lord, I continue to place this into your hands, and know that, like Hannah, you will answer in your way and time. Please help me to continue to place it in your hands. I pray against any negativity towards others who have a different journey than me. Thank you that You are good always. I praise you.

March Crocuses?

crocus floweres

So, I’ve been thinking lots about having children lately. As I’ve written before, for a long time, I’ve felt like I had a certain idolatry sort of longing. Things with our marriage weren’t great, but it’s all I’d think about, and cry about daily; worry about issues relating to that; research fertility and babies; and be jealous of those who were in that position. Truly, it made no sense logistically and with the difficulties we were having at that time in our marriage, so I’d surrender it to the Lord. My husband also worried that I wanted him just for babies, and that I’d love them more than him, which made sense given the somewhat tumultuous transition that was our first year of marriage.

Well, Praise God, my husband and I have been doing lots of work on getting our marriage strong. We’ve gone to marriage counseling, and have been working on communication, putting each other first, and really blessing each other. Though there are still lots of transitions in our life, I can say we are at a point, where we just enjoy eachother, and feel very in love, and can talk about anything. I never thought we’d get here, and I’m grateful. I used to wonder if the almost visceral urge to have children was just a passing bout of baby fever, or if I was using it to distract myself from our marital issues, but as we work on our marriage, the urge almost gets stronger. I cannot explain how I feel like I have the most intense love for these people I haven’t met yet. The thought of having a baby is scary, but it drives me; drives me to want to be better so I can better nurture these precious lives and not hand down junk handed to me by my own mother, if God gives them to us. To clean up our lifestyles for proper preconception planning (we are microwave free; mostly organic; and I’m sugar free now with no processed food; and lots of healthy fats). It doesn’t feel like a chore, it feels like a joy. This body conscious girl, feels like she would happily gain 50 lbs if it meant having a healthy baby (and I’ve kept on extra body fat for a while because I know my body is sensitive and it keeps my periods super regular as opposed to a bit irregular if I get a bit leaner); and the holistically obsessed lady that I am feels I would gladly take medications if it resulted in a healthy bub. The thought and fear of infertility feels like a dreadful black hole.

Are we ready to open that door? For a long time, during this baby fever, I’d obsess about if we were ready or not. I’d ask on forums; look up articles with titles such as “10 Signs You are Ready For a Baby” or “Top 7 Signs You are Not Ready for a Baby”. We are planning to move and start new jobs soon. Yet, I feel like the 1 thing that is most important is something that we have; a strong marriage by God’s grace; and a willingness to work on it. And we both have a strong desire to have children and would be thrilled if God gave us one right now. I feel deep down that although I know it’s a crazy journey, and I’m scared of the sort of mother I’d might be; I’m scared of pregnancy complications; I’m scared of the unknown. I’m ready. We are ready and have peace now about opening that door. There’s nothing that seems more rewarding than growing and nurturing a precious little life that God gives to us, and there is nothing we want more in this life than a happy family.

We’ve heard things like, “you guys are young”, “you should focus on having fun together right now”. I can’t explain it, but having babies, and being a young mother, means more to me than any fancy vacation. With possible fertility issues, I also want to keep the door open as early as we can, so I will have no regrets if nothing ever happens. I have this weird feeling that life is about love, and it’s just way too short. 60 years just with my sweet husband would be too short. Yet, I’m eager to see the family God will give to us and meet the children I already love so much. I want a baby so much that I frequently cry. Honestly, I’ve never wanted something more, and if God gives us that gift, I want to cherish every single minute with my precious gift.

So yes, we are opening the door. We actually did a few weeks ago, so there is a small chance I will find out I’m pregnant in a week and a half, which I’m not expecting, but always slightly hopeful in the back of my mind (3 days post ovulation today). Trying to figure out what it truly means to leave fertility and babies in God’s hands. I tend to be one who obsesses; and likes to research things that are important to me… So of course I’ve researched fertility statistics; healthy lifestyle for pregnancy and fertility. Those are good things; right? I mean I’d want to do everything to have a healthy baby; especially naturally with the wisdom God gave to me. But obsession is so easy. Praying I can really leave it in God’s hands and be thrilled when and if He gives. Infertility has been a big fear for over 10 years because of my endocrine journey, and because of this, I’d feel that our child would be a true miracle from God even if we conceived on the first try. I’m not sure when we’ll go the medication route. I’m very holistic minded, but I’ve been told I may need medications to conceive, so maybe in some months? We both dream of adoption and embryo adoption (and interestingly have long before we met each other), so that is something we can think about too. I have to remember God knows how He will build our family, and I don’t think He’d give me such a deep desire in my heart, if it would never happen. So I need to trust Him, and remember that He knows best and if He doesn’t want us to have biological children, I shouldn’t want that either; and I’ll pray that if it’s not supposed to be; I can totally be joyful about God’s good will and plan for our family.

I will say though, that my husband dreamed last week that there were spring flowers growing out of my lady bits, and if we conceived soon, we’d be due in spring, so that’s a bit hopeful, but I still would just be in disbelief if anything happened soon (HAHAHAHA that is totally a dream). Praying that we can FULLY leave this in the Creators hand; and that He will create a life for us when and if it is the right time. (if we did happen to get pregnant at some point; I totally decided how I’d share the news 🙂 came to me a few weeks ago…)

 

Ah, Lord GOD! It is You who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you. Jeremiah 32:17