So I’m feeling emotional right now. I’m going to vent rawly.
Nothing makes me as emotional as the thought of having kids; being a mommy.
How is it that something I want more than anything cause me such fear and doubt. So much of me wants to be a mamma. I want to raise and nurture little lives. I’ve written how I love my children already. So much. There is nothing that I feel would give my life more purpose than to selflessly give to my children. There is not an hour that goes by that I do not think about it. I imagine what it would be like. Read books. Pray. Feel hurt with each announcement because as happy as I am for the couple who is expecting, deep down I want it to be us. I always pictured being a young mother… Track ovulation and get upset if it is delayed; i’ve already sacrificed so much for this and feel like it’s the one thing I want more than anything in life. I’ve already taken a bunch of steps to detox my life and learn about preconception and prenatal health.
At the same time I have this fear and dread. My biggest fear is that I won’t know what to do and I won’t be a good mommy. Maybe I worry that I’m not cut out for parenting. I don’t know if I feel particularly maternal. I feel so inept and incompetent at so many things and struggle big time with self confidence. I wonder why parenting would be any different. Would it be worth bringing children into the world for me to be their mommy? Would it be better to just bless other people who I interact with than bring precious children into the world to be mine and to affect every day? It a scary thought to be responsible for a child’s wellbeing. I worry that I might have too many personal problems I haven’t yet worked through and that might negatively affect my children. I have very little infant experience so I worry about that. I feel sometimes that my future kids deserve a better mother than I would be.
I can’t imagine having babies around all the time either, since I’ve never had that before. That is a scary thought.
Now that we are on the same page about trying for a baby the reality is exciting sometimes; sometimes so exciting it’s all I can think about, and sometimes so scary I can barely breath. It would be almost like a new life. I don’t know if i can. I’m not sure what placing it in God’s hands mean. I sometimes really feel I can’t. But yet, I know how much I’d regret it if I don’t.
I feel about having kids like it’s like jumping off a high dive into a whole new life and you can’t go back once you jump. I see so many people inside of the water; the new life. I see it’s challenging; overwhelming; almost too much at times; and i can’t see how I can swim in the water; yet others are doing it; I see there are immense blessings; I see the beauty and long for it so much and am jealous of those in the water; yet I’m scared. And I know that if I never jump or wait too long I will feel in some ways like my life was wasted and I didn’t do the most beautiful thing in the world. Jumping is scary and it takes blind faith. Are we ready?
Here I stand on the diving board. I’m not sure if I’m ready to jump. Maybe not this month; or maybe. I am ovulating late this cycle so we can still withdraw and not have much risk. I know that once we conceive, life changes; both in challenging and beautiful ways more than I can imagine. I’m a pathetic potential mother that it’s so scary for me and that I have moments of extreme panic and question. If it was meant to be, wouldn’t I feel so sure and confident and be able to fully picture myself in the role of mother? I also know that sometimes jumping means jumping into another, less desirable pool of fertility struggles, and that scares me too.
I’m not sure. We will walk forward and figure it out and I know the journey, no matter what we choose or when and if we jump will be our journey and it will be beautiful.