The Bible says so many things about how children are a wonderful gift. They are a reward, Jesus loves children, a wonderful thing, a blessing, we are to “be fruitful and multiply”. Yet at the same time, this can become an idol when the Hope turns to lust, jealousy, obsession.
God has laid on my heart, and then told me through my husband yesterday that i’m lusting after having children. Many of my friends are having children. I have been told I may have fertility issues, so I have a deep, deep fear. I work with young children, and people have told me I’m gifted w/ babies and children and it truly makes my heart come alive to interact with kids and I also just having this longing to have children and nurture them. It’s almost Mother’s Day. I’ve always dreamed more than anything of having children; since I was a little girl. I already love my children and feel like I can understand how parents sacrifice for their children and love them selflessly! Honestly I’ve truly never desired anything so much and for the last months this has just grown out of control, from something I’d like to do someday, to something I’d like to do asap and kinda would be driven to do anything to do so, and to the point that it hurts my heart to be asked questions (the “when are you having children” that seems to come up at least once a week or even from my grandparents last week “so when are the great grandchildren coming?”) or to hear a new announcement (esp. those who were barely trying kinda shatters my heart in a profound, yet selfish way), or even sometimes be around my friends or family w/ babies or who are pregnant because I want to be in that place (wrong attitudes that i’m having trouble turning off lately) and have a baby of our own to nurture. I also realized this had become a big deal of what I think about. I always read about parenting, pregnancy, fertility awareness, TTC etc, and was in so many online discussion groups on fb and it’s become an obsession. I left them the other day to clear my head. I’m willing to do anything, including cut back my workouts (because i’ve heard high intensity can harm fertility- in fact i believe it contributed to stopping my cycles completely for some years… in fact i’m almost driven to do so lately because i want kids so badly), clean up my diet further to hopefully increase my fertility, supplements; anything. The desire drives really me.
Lately i’ve been sad around ovulation because we (usually) prevent pregnancy (and decided together to wait till the fall or winter to try)- and not that strictly- and i’m a black and white person, so the last few months i’ve kinda hoped it would fail and we could take a slightly bigger risk. This has gotten out of control (to the point that many days I cry which is really embarrassing). Why would God choose other people for this important job, responsibility, blessing, now, and not me right now!! Why do I have to wait?? I don’t know why God who loves life would lay on our hearts to wait several months. Maybe so I can place Him in front of this desire, be absolutely sure this desire isn’t emotional, and work out logistical issues? Hubby told me last night what God has laid on my heart. I have turned what should (and was at one point) a Hope, into a lust, an unhealthy sinful desire.
I have googled a bit and more often I have read Christian articles about the gift that children are and how more people should have children younger. God laid on my heart that I have the same attitude of idolatry and jealousy as Rachel in the bible who said “give me children or i’ll die” (I feel like so much of what I see myself being is a mom; and if it never happened, would I see a point in even living? If my husband Deliberately didn’t give me children, could I still love him?). God has also brought to mind the passage about Abraham in Genesis 22 about how He called Abraham to sacrifice the most precious thing to him, his gift of a long awaited son, Isaaic. He has showed me that I clench my hands tightly around this dream and have for a long time, but in an unhealthy way lately, and i have to surrender; as this desire is “my Isaaic”. I want to have children so much it hurts my heart!!!!!
So… how do I surrender? I guess that is something I have to learn and re-do every day and sometimes several times a day. 🙂 And ask God to turn what has become a lust, into a beautiful Hope of something that is good. I believe if He puts some desire into someone’s heart for a lifetime, it Will be fulfilled in His time and way. And for my whole life, whenever I pray about this, I feel reassured that it will happen.