I would say that one of my greatest struggles is my body image. Even though i’ve surrendered this issue to the Lord a great deal over the years that I’ve battled this, I realize that I still get a lot of identity and pride out of my body. I think it’s not shaped as I would have chosen, but I do hold onto some pride that it’s not overweight (especially with my condition that is often associated with being overweight); I have pride in nourishing ultra healthily (I haven’t eaten processed food or sugar other than the occasional piece of fruit in years praise the Lord ); I have pride over how I treat it naturally; I take some pride in how I go to the gym every morning to give it exercise. I sometimes don’t realize how much of this I still hold on to, but looking forward to getting pregnant (Lord willing in a year or so 🙂 ), it’s hit me in the face. With my adrenal condition, I’m realizing that it might be complicated, and I might have to gain extra weight due to medications that I may need to have a healthy pregnancy , and might not have the beautiful natural pregnancy and birth I’ve dreamed of and envisioned.
(a yummy salad that my dear husband made me for lunch today)
As I start to research the options I will have for fertility and pregnancy (i.e.: treating with medicine to prevent things from going wrong or possibly to get pregnant in the first place vs. doing things holistically and hoping things work out), I have this tug in my heart that I may go the medical route with this situation (at least to Some extent- i will be as holistic as possible, but am opened to medications if necessary). I am as holistic as they come in my approach to medication, and believe it’s overused. In a way, this is going against every bone in my being. Yet, my children are so important, that I want everything to be absolutely monitored so that they are born healthy, since I do have a condition that can cause risk. Of course, the medication often used is dexamethasone (low dose), and this drug causes a slew of side effects including significant weight gain. It comes up frequently when it’s googled. That pierces fear into my heart.
If I am going on the drug to get pregnant, and may be cutting back on the high intensity workouts (don’t know how good high intensity is for baby), and of course gaining normal pregnancy weight (and not restricting to counter the weight gain because my baby needs to be nourished), I may end up gaining 60 lbs. This would take me up to close to 200. That thought makes me want to cry. Of course, I love my future children so much, and would do it so that they could come into the world healthy, but that is such an upsetting thought. All of my pride about my body would be flushed down the toilet bowl.
Yesterday I was thinking about this, and I mentioned it to Richie and brought up my fear about how I wondered if he would still be attracted to me. He told me that he would be and I’m his one and only. But I feel that if this happened I’d have trouble leaving the house cause I’d be so embarrassed and ashamed. In my mind everyone would be staring at my and thinking “Bunny must be eating chocolate and cake all day (things I’d never do)”… In fact, I feel that if something like this happened, I’d be mortified to even do maternity photos or a shower. Being fat is such a fear. I hope that if that ended up happening, that the Lord would help me to be joyful and know that it was for a happy reason. Giving up something temporary (my flesh, which gets old anyway), for the gift of a beautiful child to nurture and raise. Maybe the LORD would use that experience to fully strip me of my pride, and realize, that maybe it really is a just a body.
When I think back to my life, I’ve been as low as 35 lbs less than I was now during my eating disorder, but I’m the same Bunny. Someday I may be 200 lbs, even if I eat healthy and exercise (which I always would), and maybe that would be ok, because it would help to shape my soul into who it was meant to be. Maybe some time, completely stripped of my body image pride, might make me realize that I’m so much more than just my flesh, and my body really is just the casing of my heart and soul; which matters eternally. I was meant to be a child of God, a wife, probably a mother; an occupational therapist with children; Satan loves to whisper the lies that I am my flesh and my pride comes from the way my flesh looks or the things I do to my flesh, but let me tell you Satan; I’m so much more than that; and my body is simply a temple of the Lord and I have purpose beyond that.
I remember a time when I would judge overweight people. I still do to some extent, but with my endocrine issues etc, and what I know; how I do know that some people do live very healthy and can’t lose weight, and I might end up gaining lots of weight to be pregnant and end up obese someday; I have a sympathy for those people.
Lord, please help me to fully see that my body is just a case for my soul, and to fully offer it to you as a living sacrifice; my spiritual act of worship. Help me to continuing to place it in your hands as I’ve been doing, fully surrendering it and allowing You to shape it however you see fit and to keep giving up what I can’t keep so that I can gain the eternal that I can’t lose. Lord help my body to carry healthy children and guide me on that road as we open the door to that. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.