I have to vent more because for some reason, this has been weighing on my mind and I have to surrender it to the Lord.
So things have been better with my Fox and I… Praise His precious name. I will write more on that later, but today I really wanted to just share my raw heart on here. Sometimes it’s vital to just get your burdens out in the open so that you can be healed. This is a sore spot in my heart.
So, my last entry sort of shared my long journey with my endocrine system, where I’ve been and what the Lord has done so far. Well, that journey, has left this yearning to be a mommy deep within my soul. I always wanted to be a mother, since I was a child, but I remember when I started going through my endocrine journey and going from puzzled doctor to puzzled doctor, I was getting told by professionals I might have fertility troubles. This tore up my tender 16 year old heart that longed to someday have a baby of her own. At one of these appointments, I remember I started to cry once as I asked if I would be infertile and the doctor wasn’t sure. No one had answers for me.
For years there seemed to be no answer. I had high testosterone, post menopausal estrogen, and no doctor knew what was wrong with me. Sometimes I’d lose it and pray over my womb, that the Lord would let it bear children someday and wonder how that would be the case when i hadn’t had a normal period in like 5 years (but i felt reassured that my God was a God of miracles and would someday give me a baby). Things are better than that now, but I still have my condition, although it’s well managed. It can still cause infertility. And I dread that. There is probably nothing i’ve prayed for more in my life (than having healthy children someday); nothing that had more profoundly affected me is the two things that are intertwined; my endocrine nightmare/fertility journey and my eating disorder.
Lately it’s been hard as many of my friends seem to be pregnant. My brother in law and his ex girlfriend have a baby. I am going to three baby showers next month. My (honeymoon oops surprise) adorable nephew is turning 1 next week. Honestly, I feel like i’ve been through so much, and devoted so much time, and energy to research. I even live the lifestyle I keep partially because i want to keep my hormones in balance so I can hopefully conceive (whole foods, no processed stuff, religiously avoid sugar, sweets junk etc). And I’m one of the last to conceive. It seems unjust. Sometimes I cry and feel jealous and wish that there was a life in my womb. Sometimes I hope that my husband forgets to pull out when we make love. Sometimes I wish my period wouldn’t arrive and I’d get to see those life changing 2 beautiful pink lines looking up at me. But that’s embarrassing, and shameful to share these feelings.
When I search my heart I know it’s not the right time for several reasons, yet I have this deep yearning in my heart lately that I can’t explain. I have a fear about the process of pregnancy and fear of what kind of a mother I’ll be, but a deep yearning desire to help create and raise a little life entrusted to me by the Lord. It’s a bit hard to turn 26 in a month (leaving the most fertile early 20s)… It’s hard to make a conscious decision every month to do the very thing that would prevent such a beautiful gift that I long for, especially when my biggest fear is fertility issues; and with my condition it’s a very real fear. I fear that we will be trying for 10 years. But then I realize that I need to leave this in God’s hands. It’s not the right time to open the door (unless the LORD surprises us).
There are a few reasons that it would not be the right time now (although I’m so tempted to tell Fox to just give me spermies when an eggie friend might be waiting and see what happens). 1) We live in a 1 BR apartment 2) we don’t have good childcare options 3) my student loan 4) he may go back to school. We both don’t want to wait that long to start a family, so one viable option we are considering is moving closer to his family, so we can live in a less expensive area, where I could work less if we are blessed with a child, and we’d have childcare (as his mom and sister in law are stay at home moms). The plan we are praying about: we move to his family’s area a few hours away and both find jobs there; I work alot for a year to get my loan down, and we prevent pregnancy till January 2017… Lord willing it doesn’t take too long 🙂 Then we have the option on childcare and we could afford a place to live to fit a small family on less income.
Lord willing when the time is right, He blessed us with a precious gift. With what I’ve been through it’s easy to fear; but I need to pray for trust. And also I am praying that the Lord leads me to the right people to have a healthy pregnancy (as my condition can cause not only fertility issues but pregnancy complications). That in itself may be a test for Bunny as I’m as holistic as they come, but I would do anything for my sweet baby love. including medication, a high risk pregnancy. I may have to drop my pride (and yes, being a natural girl/aspiring natural mamma does have some pride that goes a long with it). Trusting that the Lord will lead the way because He is the giver of life, every good and perfect gift. I know that if you delight yourselves in the LORD HE will give you the desires of your heart… this is the true desire of my heart. I will know that sweet baby is a miracle when I hold him in my years; a miracle I’ve been praying for for years. I already love him or her with such a deep love. ❤