I decided to use this space as a therapeutic outlet; writing is so therapeutic for me, almost better than therapy because I can be real and sort through my thoughts. As someone who tends to want to make people think well of me, it is sometimes hard for me to even be fully open about the darkest parts of my heart with a therapist. I hope that the LORD can use this space to help me to fully understand my heart, so that it can be healed.
Sometimes marital issues can feel like a deep dark hole. It’s like being in a black, destitute hole, and being all alone, because the hole is looked upon with shame. Good, Christian newliweds don’t have major marriage problems; marriage problems are for people who are unwise, undiscerning, ungodly; not for godly women who love the Lord… I used to harshly judge people in my mind whose marriages don’t work out or who have ongoing marriage struggles (what is wrong with them?!), but suddenly I see it through a different lens; a lense of sadness and compassion. Suddenly, I understand a bit how hard things in a marriage can get. A good, or even decent marriage, takes two people communicating, being on the same page on many things and accepting if they aren’t, and forgiveness. If one of the spouses is a crappy forgiver, then they will likely just walk out. I think that one of the most important things in a successful marriage is realizing that there are ups and here can be major downs, but there is no “exit strategy”.
I am in this thing called “marriage” till death do we part. I take marriage and the commitment I made on my wedding day extremely seriously, and would only leave in the case of serious physical abuse. I hope that Richie feels the same way. I worry because we were in the car the other day and somehow the theoretical topic of divorce came up (i think i asked if he ever thinks it’s ok or if he would ever do it). He seemed to not be able to give me a clear answer that it wasn’t ever ok (or only in rare circumstances). In some ways he is “wishy washy” in his views on things and not strong in his opinions, so hopefully he was just being theoretical. It sounded like his views on divorce were that if both people don’t love each other anymore and would be better off apart then it’s through God’s grace that He instituted divorce. And maybe it was just a bad night, but he stated that he wouldn’t want to live forever in a bad marriage (implying that he might leave me if things did not get better and if I didn’t change fast enough or make enough improvements etc). I do not believe that. Marriage is the very picture of Christ and how He loves His church. God loves marriage. He hates divorce. I hope Richie has a high enough view of marriage that he would not divorce me. I have a very low view of divorce, and that thought just sends a surge of terror into my heart. I don’t feel the same safety to grow with him, if he has an exit strategy. I am a bit scared of having kids with him (I have such a deep yearning in my heart to be a mamma and always have… I have prayed for my kids for years and love them even though I don’t know then yet!), because I could just picture how hard and sad it would be to be a single mamma, if we even ever got to the point we felt it was the right time to make a baby (I’m feeling such dysfunction now that I’m now sure about the when- we were thinking of not waiting more than a year or two, but I would be honestly terrified to get pregnant right now based on our marriage). I’m saddened because I lost some trust in the man whose hands I placed my whole life in. I have such a poor view of divorce that aside from everything, if Richie walked out I’d feel so ashamed and embarrassed. No one else would ever want a divorced woman; if i was a divorced woman i might never even want anyone else… i’d feel so used, impure, and broken. I might never have children. Everyone in the church would judge me. In that horrible situation, I’d probably move and restart my life elsewhere… Honestly i think it’s hard because we are both grieving what we thought marriage would be and realize that we got married without knowing each other much at all or having basic communication skills with each other.
It’s also a hard chapter because my relationship w/ my mom has been changing so much. I know there have been issues with codependency, but at the same time, I have this deep and special love for my mommy. I know she loves me deeply and even though she can be overbearing at times, deep down it’s out of love. After issues we have had with her early in our marriage with her trying, I believe inadvertently, to be a part of our marriage and make decisions for us, Richie has wanted us to pull away, and not share a lot with her. He makes a lot of derogatory comments about her. I just want us all to recover a healthy relationship, but he doesn’t think that’s possible, so he wants to be distant from her. It’s so sad as I love her so much. The future mother’s heart inside of me is broken because those babies that the Lord entrusts to me, are already so precious to me, I can’t imagine how I’ll feel when I meet them. If they ever cut me out of their life, I would be completely heartbroken.
Anyhow… that’s where I’m at… long story short, I accidentally stepped over boundaries that Richie and I had talked about and shared some personal details about our marriage w/ my mom. It’s a transition to not be able to go to her for advice like I used to. And I felt bad… I came home and found out Richie used porn. I don’t even know if I care anymore. I feel like it’s the least of our issues and just covering up bigger issues; plus I deserve it and need to be a more together and selfless wife… so we both failed yesterday. It’s One day at a time…
These lyrics touched my heart right where it’s at today ❤