failure

Why is it so hard sometimes to release the grip and trust God???

Why is it so hard to obey? To give the one who created me my soul that He deserves and trust that there is more to life.

Its so hard to trust that the real light and sunshine that the Lord can and has promised to give me is better than the little flash light that I shine on my little world that goes out so quickly and doesn’t satisfy or brighten my life at all…

My life has definitely taken many turns in the months I haven’t been here. I honestly am in a pretty dark place right now. i’m struggling to surrender. I know that only God can help me out.I feel so trapped in this place. I cannot escape. I see others around my who have been here for most of their lives. But yet the little prison walls that surround me are comforting to me and are all I know. Without them life doesn’t feel safe. I remember my life before I fell into this increasingly dark prison. I was a happy bubbly girl. So innocent. So light. People would tell me that I just had a glow. But the prison sucked me in slowly without me realizing it. If I were told back then that I would be sucked into the prison of an eating disorder, i would have been apauled. But now… it’s just me. i’m the shadow of the girl I could have been and I”m not sure I even want out alot of the time…

But yet in another way I know that I don’t want my life to be defined by this. If I were not in this pit, I would be happy, put together, have a vibrant social life, be able to manage myself, have a promising career, and maybe someday be a wife and mother, but I just hold on. Hold on.

I can’t even connect with God cause I know I’m disobeying Him. It’s a mess. I know that God is big. I know that He is powerful and yet loving and I want to serve Him, but yet I hold onto this thing that keeps me from that. I don’t even have a boyfriend anymore. I’m so entrenched. I’m hoping that getting more into blogging again will help me to recover or to get some motivation. I’m such a mess.
Hope your all well…

xoxo

3 thoughts on “failure

  1. I think sometimes, that is the way people are and they. Maybe it is people's nature to not be trusting.

    I think sometimes, obedience can be hard too. I usually want to be obedient but sometimes, I feel like doing something else. I wouldn't be surprised if other people feel this way too. People get tempted sometimes. I wish it was easier. ):

    There are some things that I may need to let go of but it is hard. No being is completely perfect except God.

    Like

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