Surrender…

Wow… it’s been a long time since I’ve posted and I really want to start writing more… sharing my journey and story. God has so been healing me in crazy amazing ways and has been doing so much in my life and has been changing me so much…

I don’t even know where to begin…

I think I’ll begin with the words to a popular worship song “voice of truth”…

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
“Boy, you’ll never win,
You you’ll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
“Boy you’ll never win,
you’ll never win.”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don’t seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of truth says “this is for my glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
‘Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Recently I”ve felt alot like Peter from the Bible. Jesus is calling me to surrender… to reach out my arms to Him and walk on the water. To let go of some things I’ve been holding onto for so long. “I’ll carry you, my dear child”… He whispers softly and peacefully into my ear. “I love you”… “I died for you and have great plans for you”… just… surrender yourself… your whole self to me- your heart, your soul, your mind to me… and I’ll make you into a woman who i can use for great things that you can’t even comprehend. Just let go and cling to me.

I so often cling to fear… I cling to my old ways. It is more comfortable to live in the old ways and the problems that we have known even when we know that Jesus has better for us. Sometimes I see Jesus, but I also look around me and see the huge waves… I know in my head that I cannot walk on water- it is impossible… but in my heart I know that with God all things are possible. Amazing things happen when I place my faith that is often only the size of a mustard seed in Jesus and listen to the Voice of Truth.

I have seen the power of that freeing Truth in my life so clearly in the past year and a couple of months. Growing up in the church I always knew about that truth and saw it in other people’s lives, but it wasn’t until becoming entagled in a life of isolation, anxiety, depression, harmed relationships with my family, and an eating disorder that I realized I needed healing and could not continue on the path that I was on. At a real bottom place, I walked into a prayer meeting and had some people pray over me. i lifted my hands up in surrender and faith to the Lord and believed in His healing and had tears streaming down my face. The people who prayed over me said that they sensed in me a heart of compassion… of creativity… after serving lies for years I felt so far from all of those things. They sensed that God would use me. I felt a peace that night that I hadn’t felt in a long time or ever. Maybe everything would be ok… maybe there was hope…

I wish I could say the next day I woke up and wallah! no more problems… but no… that was just the beginning of a good work that the Lord began to do in me… just a small seed that would need time and lots of “Son” light to develop into a plant. But He promises that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”. Me and my family began to be more open with my issues and people began to pray for healing for me.

I had been in various programs and therapies for eating disorders that I was forced to be in that sort of helped temporarily but always felt like pushing a boulder up a hill… plus… i wasn’t that motivated to do better… There was also overeaters anonymous which my mom often made me go to out of desperation when I was lost in my disordered world and she didn’t know what else to do. I have many memories of being dragged into the car and driven to a meeting and dropped off and picked up… at age 17 or 18… i felt very stupid… plus OA often felt stupid and I felt like a misfit… being a ninety-something pound 18 year old in a room full of middle aged overweight women I couldn’t help but feel out of place… but around the spring of that year I, for some reason, felt compelled to go to these meetings on my own. At a meeting in a small church basement that I went to one May morning I saw a young-looking, thin woman sitting on a couch with her little son playing with legos by her feet… For some reason I felt compelled to say hi to this lady after the meeting. We talked for a bit and somehow it came up that we were both Christians. In the next week or two I started seeing this woman who I learned was named Tracy, at several other meetings. Eventually I asked her, sort of without much thinking, if she’d be willing to sponsor me… In OA a sponsor is someone whose recovery you admire whom you ask to guide you through working the program. I really wanted what Tracy seemed to have. At meetings she’d always say things like, “God has really brought me to a good place”… I remembered thinking something like, “I’ll never be able to say that”… Anyhow… Tracy gave me her number and told me that she’d be willing to sponsor me.

Anyhow… it’s getting late… I shall write more tommorow… I need to run to the mall with my mother… We are having a family situation where my family has to go to court due to a conflict with my sister’s education and my mommy needs a court dress… I will write more tommorow…

3 thoughts on “Surrender…

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